stress?

i couldn't sleep. i couldn't eat. my hair kept dropping and dropping.

the last time i had hair drop was in school when the stress level was high.

what's happening to me?

Re-flections

I'd spent weeks thinking about what happened, turning it over in my mind. I wanted to hurl a blanket and pillow in my closet, dive in, and never come out again. But even worse were the thoughts that came after I'd agonized over what had happened. I can't stay here any longer.

Imagine

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Adapted from: Lyrics007

Letting go

Let me share a story with YOU.

Two monks were travelling together in the rainy season. They were walking along a road that had become extremely muddy after a heavy rain. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing.

"Come on, girl, let me help you," said the first monk. Lifting her onto his shoulders, he carried her across.

The two monks walked on in silence till it was dark, and retreated to a lodging temple for the night. There, the second monk could no longer restrain himself.

“Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to touch a woman.”

The first monk replied, "I'd put her down long ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

Yes, I do know that somehow YOU are getting back at me for who knows what reason. And I do know that YOU have something to say about every single comments i made. YOU know who YOU are.

But I just want YOU to know that YOU are hurting YOURSELF more than YOU are hurting me if YOU continue to do that. Yes, I do get disturbed by all the comments that YOU made. I'm okay without a friend like YOU. As you can see, I'm still surviving to type this post. Time will pass, I might make even better friends than YOU, well, hopefully but my point is are YOU going to hold on to this whatever seems to be "hatred" against me for the rest of YOUR life?

Forgive and Forget.

I don't know why or how things turned out this way. But since YOU want it this way, I might as well say what I have to say and move on. The fact is, I will forgive YOU, or should I say, I have already forgiven YOU for making those empty remarks against me. It just shows how shallow and narrow-minded YOU are compared to me. The only thing that I cannot do is to totally erase YOU out of my life. If I could, then I would do that, but I cannot. The only thing I can do is to let you go, so I can be free, and YOU can too. All the best.

"Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you, Yes I will"

Leona Lewis
Better In Time

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I will be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the past
I believe it
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I will be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Adapted from: Lyrics Mode

你，不值得我留恋。

Thoughts

"I can't do this. I'm so tired. I just want to quit," I say through clenched teeth.

"Are you okay?"

I grunted, but I wanted to say, No, Mum, I'm not okay and you're not okay, but let's keep lying to each other since the truth hurts. I wanted to tell Mum a lot, but I couldn't say the words. I spent more time imagining conversations with her, and dad, than I did having them.

"I don't want to talk about it!" I shouted as I left the room.

"Fine, do what you deem fit," she snapped at me and swung the door shut. I wanted to turn around and admit my helplessness. Mum, I want to talk to you so you can tell me what to do, but there's a wall and I just can't smash through it.

"Fine!" I shouted over my shoulder, but regretted that immediately. I wanted to say, Mum, I'm sorry. You don't deserve this crap. I want to be a better son, but I don't know how.

I propped my weak, shaking body onto the sofa and buried my face using my palms, hoping to find some strength. I know now more than ever that I can't go on like this for even one more day or sleepless night. I need to find the courage to either live or kill myself. I can't live in between any longer.

Random

I sat there like a helpless fly trapped in a spider's web.

With the background noise of some thrash band filling my ears, my mind fills with the clashing sounds of a thousand thoughts slamming against each other.

Let them talk. Let them gossip. Let everybody talk and talk their endless talk. I'll just -

I'll just... I'll just...

Fuck

This is a f*cking WARNING to Mr/Mrs Anonymous who tag on my tagboard, u knw who u are. If there's anything that you are not pleased with anything abt me, u jolly well come and confront me. Stop tagging using anonymous names and what not. Just as I want to give u the benefit of a doubt, there's a limit to what you say and what I can TOLERATE. It's so shallow of you to try and disturb ppl by posting some annoying remarks and expect ppl to decipher what the heck u r trying to imply.

Stop this nonsense at once. You just ruined my mood and should there be a second time, I'm not going to let you off. If you have the guts to tag those comments, have the f*cking guts to tag ur name with it. I am going to say it for one last f*cking time, if you have anything against me, go ahead and insult me right in my face. I'll accept it. But dun f*cking tag those f*cking comments ever again. This is my final warning to whoever that is. I've had enough. F*ck it.

in-FLU-en-za ATTACK!!

I'm sick - again. Stupid virus. My head's so heavy and my throat is so so itchy!! I just feel like putting my hand in to scratch it lor. SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!! I dun wanna fall sick on my birthday!!

Happy Bdae Jas!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAS!!

Sorry for posting so early but I just can't wait till tmr or the day after tmr to post this jus in case anything crops up. This song is for you. Happy birthday, my friend!

The Birthday Song
Corrine May

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way
To say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be

Happy birthday my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
You've known to grow a little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder of the child within your eyes

Happy birthday my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
It's such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

Hope you'll have a great great bdae over in China. Will be looking forward to you coming back! Take Care!!

Thank you.

Footprints in the Sand
Leona Lewis

You walked with me, Footprints in the sand,
And helped me understand where I'm going

You walked with me, When I was all alone,
With so much unknown along the way,
Then I heard you say,

I promise you, I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair,
I'll carry you, when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life flash across the sky,
So many times have I been so afraid.
And just when I, I thought I lost my way,
You gave me strength to carry on,
That's when I heard you say,

I promise you, I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair,
I'll carry you, when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When I'm with you,
Well I know you've been there,
And I can feel you when you say,

I promise you, I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sadness and despair,
I'll carry you, when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When your heart is full of sadness and despair,
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

Adapted from: Lyrics Mode

Thank you grandma for always being there for me when I needed someone to confide to, when mum and dad refuse to listen, when I needed you most.

Thank you my friends, in particular, jasmine, shuting, yahui, yenloo and many others whom I've met, whom have hurt me sometimes but helped me grow, whom I shared my joy, tears and fears with... I thank you.

Thank you ma and pa. Even though you've neglected me so many times, but for survival in this monetary and cruel world, you have to work to bring us up and that's enough. Thank you for bringing me into this world as a healthy boy. I'm really sorry to have destroyed the perfect body of mine through all my stupid acts. I've let you down. If time could reverse, I would never never ever ever do those things again.

Thank you my bro, even though u always win in our quarrels, you allowed me to recognise my own weakness.

Thank you to all the passerbys in my life, you've lifted me up and brought me down. You've made life terrible for me. You've forced me to grow.

Thank you the heavens above for making me stick on to the belief that my guardian angel is somewhere out there, looking after me and allowing me to press on until now. I don't know how long I can hold on to this belief or when I might do things wrongly but till that day really comes, thank you for the numerous suicide attempts that always arent successful.

Thank you for Simon Cowell for writing this song, coming up with this album and having founded such a wonderful singer. It made me think a lot. It made me cry. It made me realise that there's people out there who cares even if they don't say it out.

Thank you for Leona Lewis who sung songs that touched my heart. The more I listened to it, the more meaningful it got, the more thoughts I had, the more touched I got and the more tears I cried.

Thank you, everyone in my life. If I left out anyone out there, it doesn't mean I don't care. It's just that my emotional mind just can't recall as much as my heart wants to write. You're not forgotten.

*I want to be that eagle that soar in the overcast skies...

OFF

I know I shouldn't fall back into my emo mood but there are some stuff which I feel I need to voice it out.

To be honest, I was quite thrilled when DY S1 gave me an off today as an encouragement so that I can make zero mistakes in the BRO. But after thking over it, somehow I feel I dun deserve it at all.

I tried all ways to cut down on all my MA and stuff so that my work wont get affected. I've shifted most of my MA to sat and managed to only have 1 MA this month which falls on a wkday. But I had a 2 days MC just last wk due to my burning 38 degree fever. Jus so happened the MA falls on the MC day so I rushed a cab to SGH and back which costed me about $20+. If I dun attend the MA, the next available appt date is next FEB which is quite ridiculous because this appt was supposed to be in June but I shifted it cos I have too many MAs to attend to. Fortunately, I got discharged from ENT for my ear imbalance already and I dun hav to go back.

But then again, after deducting the 2 days MC and 1 day of leave, effectively I've only done less 20 BRO. 10 mistakes for that little number of BRO is actually a lot. So when Sir decided to gimme an off for it, he contemplated for awhile before making the decision, the same contemplation I had before I agreed on his offer last mth. His intention was to build up my confidence but on the other hand I knew it was an unfair deal bcos of my MA and also because I would definitely exceed the 10 mistakes but since his intentions were good, I decided to accept his challenge - not so much for that off but more bcos I wanted to see if I could do it.

Obviously, I did but I dun extremely delighted or excited about it. For that short 10s when he gave me the off I did feel excited and a the same time very thankful for it but after thking, I really dun deserve it. But after thking over it over and over again, I respect his decision. And I know he definitely had done a lot of thking before he decided to give it to me.

In return, I shall make sure that after I accepted his offer, I shall continue to work even harder to make sure I do not make any more mistakes in the BRO, making that off worth it. One off day for a perfect BRO in the days to come is definitely not wasted and I shall challenge myself to do just that.

*It'll all get better in time.

Make it through the rain

I think I finally understand what jas meant by 简简单单就是幸福.

Firstly in the morning when I was on the train to camp this super fierce auntie choped the seat in front of me. I got a little disturbed but went back to reading. Then suddenly she hit me in my book and pointed to an empty seat behind me. She looked so fierce, the people beside me dun dare to snatch that seat. She's like someone heaven sent to help me lor! My back was hurting again this morning and I sort of was wishing I could get a seat and ta-da heaven sent an angel (the fierce auntie) to book me a special seat so I can rest and enjoy my book.

Then I went for lunch with mdm and sir. I was e first to buy my food so I placed it on an empty table while I went to get a drink. Then I realised that was this grp of guys from the same company sitting on the table just behind mine. I didnt know them well so in my heart I was thking "Fine, as usual, let me just isolate myself from them." So I went to get my drink and I was back and just when I wanted to sit down on the empty table, my branch mate signaled me to go and sit with the rest of the guys. Of cos, I was quite reluctant and the guys were like pointing at me and asking who I was and stuff. But things changed when I sat down. We actually chatted! It's like a blessing in disguise seriously. Those guys were really friendly. They joked while I just sat there and laugh. Even though I'm not a humorous guy who can talk jokes, I enjoyed listening to the jokes they shared. They could joke about every single thing under the sun. They could even joke with mdm which I wont dare to.

Then I went back slightly earlier today. And so it was so coincidental! I met wei wei at the Aljunied station. Haha. Shuting's kaka was fetching her home from school. As usual, she was so cute!! She did the pig face to me and I just stunned there. Haha. I just smiled, waved and walked off. She could actually recognise me even though I was in uniform. Woohoo~~ Lol.

And I was in a heated fray with my parents esp my mum yesterday night and I just banged the door and went to sleep. But somehow I felt I should go to the market for dinner and then see how things go and to my surprise (really big surprise) she smiled, laughed and welcomed me. I'm like "Omgosh u sure ur my mum?" Usually she'll shut up for the next few days and refuse to talk to me and I'll do the same but today was like 180 degree turn of event. LOL. Something to be happy about once again.

And I was able to help my bro and his fren with their O level preparation as well even though it was just an hour of me talking and them asking question. I am someone useful! I can help others in my own ways. Can you believe it? I can't too myself.

Then I realise sth which to me is very impt. I realised that if every man was born perfect then what is there to learn in life? Yes, I may be stupid, stone, ugly, blah blah but I can learn not to be stupid, learn to have faster reflexes, learn to be more hygienic, etc. Of cos, learn from where will be a problem le. Unless you, you, you, you, all my friends, fans, family or whoever is willing to help, I'll gladly learn learn and learn from you. You have my promise. ^^

I just hope everyday will be like today. It may seem those things that are happening may be really small things but to me, it's really a joy to have them happening to me. I just can't explain how slightly happier I felt from usual. But it's already a step closer to happiness for me. Of course sleep plays a really big part. Only with enough sleep will there be energy to appreciate things happening around us. No sleep = more emo cos brain dead cannot thk = cannot counter negative thoughts. So god pls tolong tolong, make my insomnia go away. Let me rest in peace. =X

Through the rain
Mariah Carey

When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find you way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
once you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
Once you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say
Yeah yeah yeahhhh

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
Can stand up once again
And I'll live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain.

Yes, I can make it through the rain and stand up once again. :)

my fault

it's my fault again. everything is my fault again. fine - so be it. im not gonna be so helpful anymore. sojustshutthefuckupandgetlost. im not listening.

Yesterday

I just can't believe you're gone
Still waiting for morning to come
Wanna see if the sun will rise
Even without you by my side

When we had so much in store
Tell me what is it I'm reaching for
When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart

Chorus:
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made (plans we made)
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we would go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

You always used to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or at least how the story goes (but I never believed them 'til now)

I know I'll see you again I'm sure
No, it's not selfish to ask for more
One more night, one more day
One more smile on you face
But they can't take yesterday

Chorus:
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play (they can take the music that we'll never play)
All the broken dreams (my broken dreams)
Take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know (we'll never know)
They can take the places that we said we would go
All the broken dreams (all the broken dreams)
Take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last forever (but it wasn't our destiny)
'Cause in my mind, we had so much time
But i was so wrong
Now i can, believe that
I can still find the strength in the moments we made
I'm looking back on yesterday

Chorus:
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams (all the broken dreams)
Take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday (yesterday)
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we would go (that we said we would go)
All the broken dreams (all our broken dreams)
Take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday (they can never have yesterday)

(All the broken dreams take everything)
But they can never have yesterday

Up to the mountain

Up To The Mountain

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
To where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
Everywhere
I could see all around me
Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be walking
Till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down
No more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you ask me to

Some days I look down
Afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go, come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so

Never Again

Never Again

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green
I hope when your in bed with her, you think of me
I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well
Could you tell, by the flames that burned your words

I never read your letter
'Cos I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all OK

[Chorus]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you were doing
And don't say, you simply lost your way
She may believe you but I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth, she deserves you
A trophy wife, oh how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes, and he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
You'll die together but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

[Chorus]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you were doing
And don't say, you simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
Never again

[Bridge]
Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never

Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never

[Chorus]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you were doing
And don't say, you simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
I never will
I never will

Never again

(Credits to elyrics)

It's time to turn bad, boy.
Only EVIL will prevail.

helplessness

things just aren't going right for me ever since the start of the month. worse, the misunderstandings are just getting out of hand.

the more i try and explain the worse they become, the more misunderstandings surface. everytime i try to do something right, it keeps turning out wrong. and everytime things turn out wrong, i don't even know the reason what i've done wrong and how and what can i do to salvage the situation.

i was hoping that by letting things to pass, it'd eventually clear itself of those misunderstandings but then again, it didn't. and it's making my life miserable, not because i did sth wrong but bcos i jus can't seem to figure out what went wrong and why am i caught in such a mind-bogging situation.

I am very angry but I don't know how to retaliate or speak up for myself. i just don't want to create even more trouble by doing that. My dad wanted me to tell the guy of straight in the face for saying the wrong stuff but I just didn't know how to speak when I'm in front of him. I mean imagine that you've been wronged for being gay just because u sms him too many times to clarify e situation. "from the frequency and tone ur sending sms, it make it seems like ur treating me as a bf cos only couples do that" - oh, what the hell. i don't know what i've done to get into all these but i really feel it's very very very unfair towards me.

can someone teach me what i should do?

不知道再说什么

是你的就是你的。
不是你的就不是你的。
不是你的还强求还是不是你的。
是你的不用强求始终还是你的。

深奥吗？或许吧。连我自己也不知道再说什么。

“痛恨自己。”



Hey　我真的好想你　現在窗外面　又開始下著雨
眼睛乾乾的　有想哭的心情　不知道你現在到底在哪裡
Hey　我真的好想你　太多的情緒　沒適當的表情
最想說的話　我(應)該從何說起　你是否也像我一樣在想你

如果沒有你　沒有過去　我不會有傷心
但是有如果　還是要愛你
如果沒有你　我在哪裡　又有什麼可惜
反正一切來不及　反正沒有了自己

Hey　我真的好想你　不知道你現在到底在哪裡

你是否也像我一樣在想你

心痛

最近发生了很棘手的问题才让我领悟到，原来我太依赖朋友了，尤其是我最好的朋友。没有他们在身旁时，什么都做不好。现在面对了问题，拿起电话时，却发现我再也无法找人诉苦了。言语也无法形容我现在的感受，只好让歌曲来表达。



你总是这样说我
像一颗不容易溶化的糖果
带我见你的朋友
又很得意地埋怨我沈默

你追问我的行踪
你在乎我的举动
哄得我泪眼迷蒙
做些事情让我被感动

望著你突然一阵心痛
一次又一次任那感情放纵
你的脆弱让我走不开
你的依赖所以我存在

想著你还是想到心痛
期待我做的将来你都会懂
有一天真如我有一天
但愿我还在你记忆中

Kit Chan

If somehow one day I suddenly awake with the ability to play the piano, the first songs I'll play will all be Kit Chan's songs. I really really love her songs. They're all so beautifully rendered. I can't stop listening to her songs over and over again. I never got tired of them so I decided to share the song (see sidebar) with all my readers. It's one of my favourite songs as of now.

If I'm a singer now, I would wish I'm like her. I like her unique her voice - clear, precise, explosive. But what I like most is her songs, so meaningful in every word, not the ordinary kinda love songs flooding the market now but something more literature, something which makes u listen and think and try and understand the meaning of every word.

Okay, I know I sound crappy now but yes, I'm super tired and my mind aren't thking anymore. Will update again.

*I pray, I hope, I wish, I can get her to write me a birthday card and sing me a song as my birthday present... I pray, I hope, I wish...