CHRISTMAS DISASTER!

I attempted sth out of the norm and FAILED terribly. :(

As we all know, Christmas's coming! And in this season of joy and sharing, I thought I'd come out with something to surprise someone who's gonna take my present. I went to shop happily for some containers which I thought was really cute and "practical" for use.

But containers themselves look so plain, so, I thought I'd fill it up with some stuff. Sand... No, it'll spoil the container... Sweets... Looks cheapo esp when there's a price cap on the presents you're giving =.= (Money = sincerity? =.=)

Anyway, the best alternative I could think of was to bake cookies! Why? Sincerity is one thing, if it's tasty, it's another :) I don't have the money but my sweat and hard work should make up for it. So I got on to work. I spent so much on all the necessities, I blew a BIG hole in my pocket and got a terrible scolding by my parents but I told myself, this is something I've always wanted to do and no one's gonna stop me. This might be the last time I have the time to "make" gifts myself before hectic life kicks in. :(

I went around asking to see if someone could teach me but unfortunately, they're too busy. Got my brother to teach me but he ended up playing MAPLE. -.-'''

Nvm, I'd do it myself. Everything went well. I enjoyed the mixing of flour with butter and egg and chocolate chips...And I sent it into the oven.
Look! Aren't they appetizing just by looking at it??

Until these happened...................................






At least 10 attempts =.= but still failed....

End Product:


That's not the worse... Smoke was bellowing out of the oven like there's no tomorrow~! Try spotting the smoke.............................

Jesus Christ! I thought. I might as well try using the microwave instead. And ended up breaking 2 plates, causing electric sparks to fly around inside the microwave oven (due to the aluminum foil I used to wrap the plate - no one told me that i can't microwave metals!!!), and created a mess which i spent an hour to clean up :( Look...

*Spot the part of the plate that has "chipped off" and flew up the microwave (Hint: Top left cookie)
*And this plate broke into 2!! =.=
End Product:

Lesson Learnt: Don't be too AMBITIOUS! It's hard to be Mr Nice guy. Really. You might end up losing more than what others think while attempting to be Mr Nice. I therefore conclude from this cookie baking session that one has to balance between things. It's good to be cheapo sometimes to those who don't seem to appreciate the hard work you've put in. But on the other hand, I'll keep trying to bake better cookies to my beloved friends and family members, those who really mean so much to me.

DESPERATE

EUGENE IS VERY DESPERATE FOR:

1. AN MP3 WITH VOICE RECORDER

2. SENNHEISER EARPHONES

Interesting week

A few interesting things happened this week.

First, I met Mrs Lau SB at Queensway Shopping Centre during lunch. Together with her was her daughter. Anyway, they went there to shop for sport shoes for her daughter but my funny friend actually introduced Timberland BOOTS to her. ROFL.

One of our superior also had a Myocardial Infraction due to blockage of 3 of the 4 blood vessels in the heart and had to undergo an angioplasty. We paid a visit to him and apparently he was discharged for a few days before ending up in the hospital again due to some complications called hematoma. For him, blood was collected at the groin area which he described as "being kicked in the balls during a soccer game and touching it the next day". Anyway, lesson learnt: Stay healthy! And also CME which benefited us although they're more meant for the medics.

We had this PCC night cohesion at East Coast where everyone was forced to drink - Whiskey, Matel, beer, wine, u name it, the superiors have it. We were "ordered" to drink by our BIG heads so LLST, gotta bottoms up. I realised I get energetic instead of tired after a drink. Weird indeed. YZ got chased by a dog, Ian got drunk after the 2nd (plastic) cup and we had a good time laughing our asses off at someone. Even our own direct superior joined in.

Then, went crazy shopping with ting today for 6 hours, thereabout.

I'm totally dead beat. I need sleeeeeeeep!

只想说声对不起

原来，说声“对不起”，真的好难。。。

PATHETIC

All that I'm left is $2 in my bank account. That's how bad things are now.

不敢

“有时候，我们不敢为自己谋求职位、不敢学小提琴、不敢学习外语，甚至不敢打通电话给末位老朋友。这种种“不敢”，其实都只是我们为自己设下的障碍，而这种无中生有的障碍，常使我们囊步不前，错过了许多我们本来应该去做而能够做好的事。”|《世界最著名的黄金定律》

HOT!

OMFG!!! I've got to share this!



In awe~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOW!!!

BRAVO to HTC! Rock on!!!

Happy Birthday to myself :)

A special thanks to all the birthday wishes i received, whether it was via msn, facebook or msn, thanks so much!! At least I know I'm not forgotten :D

Anyway, it's weird somehow, haha, cos this year I dare to say I received 100-200% more of birthday wishes than in previous years (thanks to technology). It's not exactly a lot compared to other friends but to me, that spike was something to rejoice about!!

Birthday was fun. Didn't throw any lavish parties which I intended to and was emo-ing, thinking that it's gonna be a super quiet birthday this year - again.

I was taking a lazy afternoon nap the whole time when suddenly I heard music coming from my doorstep. It was a really pleasant surprise because my 3rd uncle brought his sons over who played "Happy Birthday" song at my doorstep using their musical instruments (they are music talents, ok?). The sons gave me a birthday present too!

Then, my uncle left his sons here and left out to get a car to drive us to my grandma's house and came back with a cake! OMGOSH. 感动。

I changed into the set of new clothes I bought for myself and then left with my family and uncle to my grandma's house. I received red packets from my grandma, aunt and 2nd uncle. Then, my dad went to buy another chocolate cake for me!! 2 cakes for me, one green tea and one chocolate! Haha! And 2 large candles each, making me a good 40 years old. Heez. But I insisted the 2nd cake for my dad since his birthday is just 2 days away from mine.

We played finger games, XBox, used the computer, took lotsa of photos, etc, leaving me very happy and deadbeat at the end of the day. Haha.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, PEOPLE!

Rejoice~! I'm 20! (And 1/3 into my grave...? Hm...)

I GOT MY FREAKING PHONE WORKING AT LAST!

I can't imagine life without technology. Jus a few freaking days without my phone seems like eons to me. Damn it.

If anyone's getting enlisted and needs to get a non-camera phone, don't go to People's Park there and get because "it's cheaper there". When your phone spoils, u can't bring it to a Nokia or Sony Ericson or any service centres to get it repaired because "it's for exports only". God damn.

And because of that, I have to go around looking for a second hand non-camera phone just to get me through the next few months. I'm currently using a LG phone instead and I'm having a terrible time because the sensitivity SUCK. Using my previous Nokia phone was a breeze - whatever I type it'll show almost immediately on the screen but for this phone, it registers one alphabet by one alphabet at any one time. When I've finished typing the entire msg, only half the msg is shown and the letters at the back are appearing one by one.

But what to do, just make do lor. Got phone better then no phone to use. Blah.

Happy 20th!

Jas! Happy Birthday!
__________________________________________________________________________

马德里不思议 突然的想念你
彩绘玻璃前的身影 只有孤单变浓郁
马德里不思议 突然那麽想念你
我带着爱抒情的远行

Apologises

I was flipping through my friend's book when I came across this phrase that set me thinking and reflecting once more. It states something like "Mistakes which are repeated becomes habits which cannot be easily corrected."

This leads me to think of another phrase which I came across some years back. It is said that thoughts turn into beliefs; beliefs become actions; actions form habits; habits shape character; and character defines destiny.

A sudden rush of adrenaline ran through my bloodstream and this sense of guilt overwhelmed me.

My parents had been reminding me relentlessly that I need to change my short-tempered and rash behaviour that I have. I always viewed it as an inheritance from my mother and have always attributed this attitude as a result of my condition. I've always take their advise lightly thinking that there's nothing wrong with my character and this persisted on for a number of years (i think).

And in the entire process, I must admit I have hurt a lot of people, including my closest loved ones like my grandmother. Just like last week, I boomed and fired my grandmother just because she came to advise me not to quarrel with my brother. This, is a really small thing, but I made a mountain out of it.

Something's wrong with me, but I don't know what. I went for my counselling session as usual and decided for the first time after so many sessions to finally pour out everything, every problem which I am facing. I told my counsellor that I always thought I am right, that whatever I'm doing is right. I cited a few examples, mostly failed relationships with my family, my friends and even my (once) closest friends.

And she gave me only one sentence

"Change, if your actions are hurting everyone around you."

And that rang a bell in my ears. My actions have inevitably caused misery to so many people around me. I've moved on. Right, I did but how about those that are around me, that I have inflicted pain upon. Can they move on? Are they able to move on?

Will they accept my apologises if i apologise? Is it too late for apologies? I want so much in my heart and mind to apologise. But how?

That's the question.

A poem to myself

Just as I was emo-ing and feeling all alone, this clip gave me a small glimpse of hope. It felt so close to my heart. I was feeling exactly like the guy in the video.

The alarm rings, and your ear hurts.
With your mind spinning, you're going to work.
The world brushes past you without you knowing,
Time ticks by before you knowing.

It's a new week ahead,
As the vicious cycle heads,
Some things go wrong,
But some gives you motivation to go on.

When that motivation disappears,
Opportunities pass and never appears.
The world moves on,
You're forced to move on.

You can't find comfort in anything,
Or anyone.
You are your only source of solutions,
Believing in your own notions.

But God is always fair,
Just like he is unfair.
No one has to be there,
To see how you have fared.

When shit happens,
you ain't sure why.
Misunderstanding arises,
you don't know why.

To be angry for what you do,
I shall,
To be angry with you,
I shall not.

If the time comes, I'd still do it,
For inside of me, I know it's right to do it.
For if you are right, I will fight for you,
If you are wrong, I'd fight with you.

Treasure friendships instead of rift it.
Treasure life instead of break it.
Misunderstandings are cleared when you understand it.
Miracles happen when you believe it.

To salvage this friendship,
I will try,
To lose that friendship,
I will cry.

72mins 31sec 22milli-sec

- Random thoughts - they just don't stop coming.

~~~


"Know me for what I do and for not what I am.
Judge me for what I can do and not for what I have done." -PRAVS J

You are the pillar that I've been drawing strength from.
You are the foundation of my stable structure.
You are the one who has always been reaching out to the passive me.

Just want to say, thanks for everything,
From the bottom of my heart.

Colours

I've realised that my "favourite" colour has been changing. Some colours I like can last for a day, sometimes a month, sometimes even a year!

See how my favourite colours have changed.

Cheerful Yellow -> Sophisticated Purple -> Innocent White -> Intense Red -> Masculine Green -> Loyal Blue

Cool huh?

What's your favourite colour now?

BOOM

I'm feeling damn f**ked up now. The world seem to be opposing with me.

First, I applied 5 days leave with sth on my mind. And then suddenly, the guy called the day b4 to cancel it. Fine. I thought I'd use these 5 days to do sth meaningful.

And for the first day, I made my way to Chinatown to get some budget household items and then celebrated KC's last day b4 his enlistment. Yipee, I thought, task fulfilled.

My mum made a big exclamation about wanting to bring my bro and I to make passport. Yea. I thought. At least my 2nd day's meaningful. Who knows?! It only took less then 15mins. And to add on to that, my bro freaking came late. By 1 hour! And the ICA building closed. So, ended up rotting at home again.

3rd day, thought today would be better but end up, rotting again. J asked me out to COMEX. We met up, went to meet K and then left for Suntec. J and K suggested me and my grand make our way to the escalator and wait for them while they head to look for S. Time crawled while waiting. Finally a call came to tell me they were waiting for S to look through the brochures. Fine, I shouldn't get angry. So, I brought my grand to walk around. After our rounds, they're still not done. Hmmm... No phone call.

Picks up phone and dials J's no.

(too...too...too.................................) no answer.

I got to go, I told myself. This is getting meaningless. I smsed J.

"Hey, I bring my grand home. You guys go ahead."

BUZZ BUZZ "U not joining us?"

"I thought you going club?"

............................

"Where are you all now? I bring her to the MRT then go back join u all. U nt going club right?"

............................

............................

............................

"Urgh. Nvm. U guys go ahead"

(Disturbed, Switch off phone, make way home.)

(Reached home.) BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Had a huge fight with parents.

-END OF STORY-
______________________________________________________________
Thanks for the wasted leave, Z. I'll nv go n work 4 u agn. RMB.

human nature

And when those trials come, my human nature shouts the things to do, and God's soft prompting, can be easily ignored...

Friendship? Think about that.

I'm jealous. At the same time angry with myself. I suck at human relations. My heart get swayed so easily. While some others are having fun joining their classmates/camp mates/ etc, I'm here spending time alone, pondering over many failed relationships, hoping to find answers, but failed. Terribly.

But one thing is for sure, at least I know friends like KC and KY are still there, waiting for me to open up, reach out, befriend with them once again after losing contact for some time. I know people start questioning me and pointing fingers at me saying that I never do enough to reach out to them, speak up, etc and I expected that coming. It hurts raking up my past. I try my best to move on. And so far, I'm only prepared to take baby steps.

However, it was KC/KY who pulled me out of where I was from and gave me directions towards friendship and life. Life is a very shitty game but its graphics are amazing. Indeed, we paint our lives with colours we want but we need a second pair of eyes at times to judge our masterpiece, and teaching us how we should improve from there. For that, I thank them for playing that role, guiding me all these while, never giving up, never forgetting me, never forgetting my presence.

I am an introvert since young and I love to stay at home. The way I am brought up, the circumstances I was put into shaped me into the character I have today. I dislike that character but its really hard (trust me) to really try and change asap. There have been setbacks, there are times when I try too hard but end up with nothing and there are times when I wished I am invisible. But I know now that at least these 2 people know me well enough to help me change, at least a little. They try to pull me out for gatherings whenever they can, whether it's for a simple swimming session for 2 hrs to simple lunch/dinner or even an hour on the chat line.

Isn't that how friends should be? We complement for each other's weaknesses, we give each other support from the heart, we help each other improve, we analyse each other's problems, find possible solutions, we cry, laugh, go through shit, share experiences with each other, not a lot but at least a little to hold the conversation and understand each other better, rather than get all busy with work, with other social gatherings, immensing ourselves in self-improvement and studies and neglect the closest people beside you.

Food for thought, perhaps?

"Making every minute count"

I was flipping through the straits times and came across this article under the "think" column. A quote which I felt had an impact on me was that "Living life on a knife's edge allows one to enjoy the present moment fully and not worry what the next moment will bring." This is so true in today's context where we always take things for granted.

Interestingly, the "think" column had also sparked a debate over whether or not PRs should serve the nation...

Also, under the "home" section, look out for the special report on the death of privacy! it's part of Science and Technology and is one of the HOT topics for GP essays... Good for those taking GP. Have a look at it. :)

Some random thoughts to end my post...

"啊! 多么痛的领悟 你曾是我的全部
只是我回首来时路的每一步
都走得好孤独..."

weight loss

I really need to lose weight... I gained about 6kg in just like 2 mths??? Oh, what the hell!

Miracle

My carefree days are gonna be over in about 26 hrs. Guess I'll just have to take it and see what happens next.

Miracles do happen, right?

Random thoughts

Every night I cry myself to sleep, thinking why does this happen to me?

PARODY!!!

LOL! Thanks to my cousin Sandra (and not to forget, mr brown), I finally understood what's the real meaning of a parody. And best of all, my name was even mentioned in it! Wahahahaha~

Be sure to catch the two versions below ^^

ORIGINAL MV


Parody Version


Original Mr Brown version (Song only)
MrBrownShow.Com

Someone even commented:

fleek Says:
MAY 31ST, 2009 AT 11:32 AM
The lyrics a bit sala lah.
The chorus should be.
If you eat already, wash your hand too.
If you pee already, wash your hand too.
If you poo already, wash your hand too.
What do you use to wash your body? Washing machine?

ROFL! Thanks to axis1019 (from youtube) too for putting "the MTV and their funny rendition together". "And oh my, the dance moves just seem to work well with the new lyrics!"

So go on and laugh your asses off! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Volunteerism

Remember the $2 old lady I was talking about in my previous post? She came back again today. I don't know how to say this but this was what happened (according to my mum):

The old lady came a few days ago and happened to be queuing up for rice during peak hour. So, she sat down and started chatting with another lady beside her, saying that she lost all her money and jewelery to her grandson and that her daughter abandoned her. It happened that the lady she was talking to was a rich tai tai. After hearing her story, the lady gave her $50. I guess it was out of compassion that she actually gave her the money. She even got her maid to help her to her flat. But the story doesn't end here.

The old lady came back the next day and then the following days looking for this rich tai tai to the extent that she went to ask my parents when she usually come and why she wasn't there everytime. I can't stop by assuming that she was looking for the tai tai for money. The worse part is, someone caught her gambling at the void deck. Whether it was with tai tai's money or not, I'm not sure but hopefully it's not. Suddenly, I had a total change of impression of her and I can't help but despise her of her act.

I'm not angry that she comes back for money but my point is, if you say you are poor and that you are getting monthly allowance from the govt and some kind-hearted people like the tai tai, you should be spending your money wisely but instead, people caught her gambling at the void deck. I just feel that this is really ridiculous and I can't help but think of Mrs Lau's story about the person collecting food supplies from donors with a hamburger in the hand. If you are really poor, I doubt you'll have the spare cash to spend on these luxury products, not to say even gamble away the money.

Not that I'm critising her but I just feel it really isn't right to do that. This is also one of the factor that is stopping me from doing volunteering work (if any) because people take you for granted, at least in Singapore itself.

I don't know... Maybe I'm just too emotional over these kinda things. Haix...

Insomnia

My insomnia is getting worse as the days go by. Sleeping pill isn't helping anymore cos I've become too dependent on it, up to a point where it stopped having its effect. I can stay awake the entire night with songs ringing in my brain, disturbing me like nobody's business. I suspect I inherited the "cannot sleep" gene from my mama. Haix.I guess that's just life.

$2

If you happen to be a foodstall holder and an old lady in her 80s, who has problem walking even with a walking stick, comes up to you and ask if you could do her a favour by selling 2 packets of rice with just $2 so that she and her handicapped friend could have something to eat, would you sell it to her?

Well, that was really what happened yesterday at my dad's stall. I can't help but feel really sorry for her. I couldn't help but hold my tears back. In the end, my dad sold it to her. I'm not trying to say that we had a really big heart of compassion but it's really painful to see that there are still so many people out there who needs our help. At that moment, I just felt I was back in sec sch helping out at CIP projects and the joy I got out of it.

However, what made me really regretful was that I should have given her a bigger bowl of rice but instead, I gave only 3/4 of what I usually give to other customers to her just because she only had $2. My dad also cut down on the amount of meat that went with the rice.

I don't know but I just felt that we shouldn't have done that... right?

rainbow

i saw a rainbow today - it was so beautiful.

音乐课

听着自己的心跳在歌曲中不断地跟旋律跳动，情绪也跟着歌声飘浮不定，一次又一次地被感动，我终于鼓起了勇气，会问我父母是否能到音乐学院上课。很遗憾的，我又得到了同样的答复-NO。学音乐学来干嘛？难道你以为自己能和孙燕姿一样红遍全世界吗？

" 。。。"

和以往一样，我就象缩头乌龟一样不敢顶嘴。其实我想说的是，学音乐纯粹是为了兴趣，不是为了名誉。或许我不能成为出类拔萃的音乐家，但至少我能完成自己的一个小小心愿。我想，这就是命运吧。只要有天生的才能，再加上英俊美丽的外貌，就一定能在演艺圈里出人头地。像我这种尽没有才艺，又长得像丑八怪一样的人，是注定这一生一事无成的。嗨~我还是别执迷不悟，发白日梦了。像我这种人只能乖乖的守在电脑荧幕前，望梅止渴咯。。。

以下送上林宥嘉的歌曲-你是我的眼
很好听哦~

stress?

i couldn't sleep. i couldn't eat. my hair kept dropping and dropping.

the last time i had hair drop was in school when the stress level was high.

what's happening to me?

Re-flections

I'd spent weeks thinking about what happened, turning it over in my mind. I wanted to hurl a blanket and pillow in my closet, dive in, and never come out again. But even worse were the thoughts that came after I'd agonized over what had happened. I can't stay here any longer.

Imagine

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Adapted from: Lyrics007

Letting go

Let me share a story with YOU.

Two monks were travelling together in the rainy season. They were walking along a road that had become extremely muddy after a heavy rain. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing.

"Come on, girl, let me help you," said the first monk. Lifting her onto his shoulders, he carried her across.

The two monks walked on in silence till it was dark, and retreated to a lodging temple for the night. There, the second monk could no longer restrain himself.

“Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to touch a woman.”

The first monk replied, "I'd put her down long ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

Yes, I do know that somehow YOU are getting back at me for who knows what reason. And I do know that YOU have something to say about every single comments i made. YOU know who YOU are.

But I just want YOU to know that YOU are hurting YOURSELF more than YOU are hurting me if YOU continue to do that. Yes, I do get disturbed by all the comments that YOU made. I'm okay without a friend like YOU. As you can see, I'm still surviving to type this post. Time will pass, I might make even better friends than YOU, well, hopefully but my point is are YOU going to hold on to this whatever seems to be "hatred" against me for the rest of YOUR life?

Forgive and Forget.

I don't know why or how things turned out this way. But since YOU want it this way, I might as well say what I have to say and move on. The fact is, I will forgive YOU, or should I say, I have already forgiven YOU for making those empty remarks against me. It just shows how shallow and narrow-minded YOU are compared to me. The only thing that I cannot do is to totally erase YOU out of my life. If I could, then I would do that, but I cannot. The only thing I can do is to let you go, so I can be free, and YOU can too. All the best.

"Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you, Yes I will"

Leona Lewis
Better In Time

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I will be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the past
I believe it
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I will be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Adapted from: Lyrics Mode

你，不值得我留恋。

Thoughts

"I can't do this. I'm so tired. I just want to quit," I say through clenched teeth.

"Are you okay?"

I grunted, but I wanted to say, No, Mum, I'm not okay and you're not okay, but let's keep lying to each other since the truth hurts. I wanted to tell Mum a lot, but I couldn't say the words. I spent more time imagining conversations with her, and dad, than I did having them.

"I don't want to talk about it!" I shouted as I left the room.

"Fine, do what you deem fit," she snapped at me and swung the door shut. I wanted to turn around and admit my helplessness. Mum, I want to talk to you so you can tell me what to do, but there's a wall and I just can't smash through it.

"Fine!" I shouted over my shoulder, but regretted that immediately. I wanted to say, Mum, I'm sorry. You don't deserve this crap. I want to be a better son, but I don't know how.

I propped my weak, shaking body onto the sofa and buried my face using my palms, hoping to find some strength. I know now more than ever that I can't go on like this for even one more day or sleepless night. I need to find the courage to either live or kill myself. I can't live in between any longer.

Random

I sat there like a helpless fly trapped in a spider's web.

With the background noise of some thrash band filling my ears, my mind fills with the clashing sounds of a thousand thoughts slamming against each other.

Let them talk. Let them gossip. Let everybody talk and talk their endless talk. I'll just -

I'll just... I'll just...

Fuck

This is a f*cking WARNING to Mr/Mrs Anonymous who tag on my tagboard, u knw who u are. If there's anything that you are not pleased with anything abt me, u jolly well come and confront me. Stop tagging using anonymous names and what not. Just as I want to give u the benefit of a doubt, there's a limit to what you say and what I can TOLERATE. It's so shallow of you to try and disturb ppl by posting some annoying remarks and expect ppl to decipher what the heck u r trying to imply.

Stop this nonsense at once. You just ruined my mood and should there be a second time, I'm not going to let you off. If you have the guts to tag those comments, have the f*cking guts to tag ur name with it. I am going to say it for one last f*cking time, if you have anything against me, go ahead and insult me right in my face. I'll accept it. But dun f*cking tag those f*cking comments ever again. This is my final warning to whoever that is. I've had enough. F*ck it.

in-FLU-en-za ATTACK!!

I'm sick - again. Stupid virus. My head's so heavy and my throat is so so itchy!! I just feel like putting my hand in to scratch it lor. SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!! I dun wanna fall sick on my birthday!!

Happy Bdae Jas!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAS!!

Sorry for posting so early but I just can't wait till tmr or the day after tmr to post this jus in case anything crops up. This song is for you. Happy birthday, my friend!

The Birthday Song
Corrine May

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way
To say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be

Happy birthday my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
You've known to grow a little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder of the child within your eyes

Happy birthday my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
It's such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

Hope you'll have a great great bdae over in China. Will be looking forward to you coming back! Take Care!!

Thank you.

Footprints in the Sand
Leona Lewis

You walked with me, Footprints in the sand,
And helped me understand where I'm going

You walked with me, When I was all alone,
With so much unknown along the way,
Then I heard you say,

I promise you, I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair,
I'll carry you, when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life flash across the sky,
So many times have I been so afraid.
And just when I, I thought I lost my way,
You gave me strength to carry on,
That's when I heard you say,

I promise you, I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair,
I'll carry you, when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When I'm with you,
Well I know you've been there,
And I can feel you when you say,

I promise you, I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sadness and despair,
I'll carry you, when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When your heart is full of sadness and despair,
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

Adapted from: Lyrics Mode

Thank you grandma for always being there for me when I needed someone to confide to, when mum and dad refuse to listen, when I needed you most.

Thank you my friends, in particular, jasmine, shuting, yahui, yenloo and many others whom I've met, whom have hurt me sometimes but helped me grow, whom I shared my joy, tears and fears with... I thank you.

Thank you ma and pa. Even though you've neglected me so many times, but for survival in this monetary and cruel world, you have to work to bring us up and that's enough. Thank you for bringing me into this world as a healthy boy. I'm really sorry to have destroyed the perfect body of mine through all my stupid acts. I've let you down. If time could reverse, I would never never ever ever do those things again.

Thank you my bro, even though u always win in our quarrels, you allowed me to recognise my own weakness.

Thank you to all the passerbys in my life, you've lifted me up and brought me down. You've made life terrible for me. You've forced me to grow.

Thank you the heavens above for making me stick on to the belief that my guardian angel is somewhere out there, looking after me and allowing me to press on until now. I don't know how long I can hold on to this belief or when I might do things wrongly but till that day really comes, thank you for the numerous suicide attempts that always arent successful.

Thank you for Simon Cowell for writing this song, coming up with this album and having founded such a wonderful singer. It made me think a lot. It made me cry. It made me realise that there's people out there who cares even if they don't say it out.

Thank you for Leona Lewis who sung songs that touched my heart. The more I listened to it, the more meaningful it got, the more thoughts I had, the more touched I got and the more tears I cried.

Thank you, everyone in my life. If I left out anyone out there, it doesn't mean I don't care. It's just that my emotional mind just can't recall as much as my heart wants to write. You're not forgotten.

*I want to be that eagle that soar in the overcast skies...

OFF

I know I shouldn't fall back into my emo mood but there are some stuff which I feel I need to voice it out.

To be honest, I was quite thrilled when DY S1 gave me an off today as an encouragement so that I can make zero mistakes in the BRO. But after thking over it, somehow I feel I dun deserve it at all.

I tried all ways to cut down on all my MA and stuff so that my work wont get affected. I've shifted most of my MA to sat and managed to only have 1 MA this month which falls on a wkday. But I had a 2 days MC just last wk due to my burning 38 degree fever. Jus so happened the MA falls on the MC day so I rushed a cab to SGH and back which costed me about $20+. If I dun attend the MA, the next available appt date is next FEB which is quite ridiculous because this appt was supposed to be in June but I shifted it cos I have too many MAs to attend to. Fortunately, I got discharged from ENT for my ear imbalance already and I dun hav to go back.

But then again, after deducting the 2 days MC and 1 day of leave, effectively I've only done less 20 BRO. 10 mistakes for that little number of BRO is actually a lot. So when Sir decided to gimme an off for it, he contemplated for awhile before making the decision, the same contemplation I had before I agreed on his offer last mth. His intention was to build up my confidence but on the other hand I knew it was an unfair deal bcos of my MA and also because I would definitely exceed the 10 mistakes but since his intentions were good, I decided to accept his challenge - not so much for that off but more bcos I wanted to see if I could do it.

Obviously, I did but I dun extremely delighted or excited about it. For that short 10s when he gave me the off I did feel excited and a the same time very thankful for it but after thking, I really dun deserve it. But after thking over it over and over again, I respect his decision. And I know he definitely had done a lot of thking before he decided to give it to me.

In return, I shall make sure that after I accepted his offer, I shall continue to work even harder to make sure I do not make any more mistakes in the BRO, making that off worth it. One off day for a perfect BRO in the days to come is definitely not wasted and I shall challenge myself to do just that.

*It'll all get better in time.

Make it through the rain

I think I finally understand what jas meant by 简简单单就是幸福.

Firstly in the morning when I was on the train to camp this super fierce auntie choped the seat in front of me. I got a little disturbed but went back to reading. Then suddenly she hit me in my book and pointed to an empty seat behind me. She looked so fierce, the people beside me dun dare to snatch that seat. She's like someone heaven sent to help me lor! My back was hurting again this morning and I sort of was wishing I could get a seat and ta-da heaven sent an angel (the fierce auntie) to book me a special seat so I can rest and enjoy my book.

Then I went for lunch with mdm and sir. I was e first to buy my food so I placed it on an empty table while I went to get a drink. Then I realised that was this grp of guys from the same company sitting on the table just behind mine. I didnt know them well so in my heart I was thking "Fine, as usual, let me just isolate myself from them." So I went to get my drink and I was back and just when I wanted to sit down on the empty table, my branch mate signaled me to go and sit with the rest of the guys. Of cos, I was quite reluctant and the guys were like pointing at me and asking who I was and stuff. But things changed when I sat down. We actually chatted! It's like a blessing in disguise seriously. Those guys were really friendly. They joked while I just sat there and laugh. Even though I'm not a humorous guy who can talk jokes, I enjoyed listening to the jokes they shared. They could joke about every single thing under the sun. They could even joke with mdm which I wont dare to.

Then I went back slightly earlier today. And so it was so coincidental! I met wei wei at the Aljunied station. Haha. Shuting's kaka was fetching her home from school. As usual, she was so cute!! She did the pig face to me and I just stunned there. Haha. I just smiled, waved and walked off. She could actually recognise me even though I was in uniform. Woohoo~~ Lol.

And I was in a heated fray with my parents esp my mum yesterday night and I just banged the door and went to sleep. But somehow I felt I should go to the market for dinner and then see how things go and to my surprise (really big surprise) she smiled, laughed and welcomed me. I'm like "Omgosh u sure ur my mum?" Usually she'll shut up for the next few days and refuse to talk to me and I'll do the same but today was like 180 degree turn of event. LOL. Something to be happy about once again.

And I was able to help my bro and his fren with their O level preparation as well even though it was just an hour of me talking and them asking question. I am someone useful! I can help others in my own ways. Can you believe it? I can't too myself.

Then I realise sth which to me is very impt. I realised that if every man was born perfect then what is there to learn in life? Yes, I may be stupid, stone, ugly, blah blah but I can learn not to be stupid, learn to have faster reflexes, learn to be more hygienic, etc. Of cos, learn from where will be a problem le. Unless you, you, you, you, all my friends, fans, family or whoever is willing to help, I'll gladly learn learn and learn from you. You have my promise. ^^

I just hope everyday will be like today. It may seem those things that are happening may be really small things but to me, it's really a joy to have them happening to me. I just can't explain how slightly happier I felt from usual. But it's already a step closer to happiness for me. Of course sleep plays a really big part. Only with enough sleep will there be energy to appreciate things happening around us. No sleep = more emo cos brain dead cannot thk = cannot counter negative thoughts. So god pls tolong tolong, make my insomnia go away. Let me rest in peace. =X

Through the rain
Mariah Carey

When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find you way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
once you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
Once you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say
Yeah yeah yeahhhh

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
Can stand up once again
And I'll live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain.

Yes, I can make it through the rain and stand up once again. :)

my fault

it's my fault again. everything is my fault again. fine - so be it. im not gonna be so helpful anymore. sojustshutthefuckupandgetlost. im not listening.

Yesterday

I just can't believe you're gone
Still waiting for morning to come
Wanna see if the sun will rise
Even without you by my side

When we had so much in store
Tell me what is it I'm reaching for
When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart

Chorus:
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made (plans we made)
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we would go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

You always used to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or at least how the story goes (but I never believed them 'til now)

I know I'll see you again I'm sure
No, it's not selfish to ask for more
One more night, one more day
One more smile on you face
But they can't take yesterday

Chorus:
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play (they can take the music that we'll never play)
All the broken dreams (my broken dreams)
Take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know (we'll never know)
They can take the places that we said we would go
All the broken dreams (all the broken dreams)
Take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last forever (but it wasn't our destiny)
'Cause in my mind, we had so much time
But i was so wrong
Now i can, believe that
I can still find the strength in the moments we made
I'm looking back on yesterday

Chorus:
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams (all the broken dreams)
Take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday (yesterday)
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we would go (that we said we would go)
All the broken dreams (all our broken dreams)
Take everything (take everything)
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday (they can never have yesterday)

(All the broken dreams take everything)
But they can never have yesterday

Up to the mountain

Up To The Mountain

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
To where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
Everywhere
I could see all around me
Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be walking
Till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down
No more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you ask me to

Some days I look down
Afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go, come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so

Never Again

Never Again

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green
I hope when your in bed with her, you think of me
I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well
Could you tell, by the flames that burned your words

I never read your letter
'Cos I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all OK

[Chorus]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you were doing
And don't say, you simply lost your way
She may believe you but I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth, she deserves you
A trophy wife, oh how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes, and he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
You'll die together but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

[Chorus]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you were doing
And don't say, you simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
Never again

[Bridge]
Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never

Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never

[Chorus]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you were doing
And don't say, you simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
I never will
I never will

Never again

(Credits to elyrics)

It's time to turn bad, boy.
Only EVIL will prevail.

helplessness

things just aren't going right for me ever since the start of the month. worse, the misunderstandings are just getting out of hand.

the more i try and explain the worse they become, the more misunderstandings surface. everytime i try to do something right, it keeps turning out wrong. and everytime things turn out wrong, i don't even know the reason what i've done wrong and how and what can i do to salvage the situation.

i was hoping that by letting things to pass, it'd eventually clear itself of those misunderstandings but then again, it didn't. and it's making my life miserable, not because i did sth wrong but bcos i jus can't seem to figure out what went wrong and why am i caught in such a mind-bogging situation.

I am very angry but I don't know how to retaliate or speak up for myself. i just don't want to create even more trouble by doing that. My dad wanted me to tell the guy of straight in the face for saying the wrong stuff but I just didn't know how to speak when I'm in front of him. I mean imagine that you've been wronged for being gay just because u sms him too many times to clarify e situation. "from the frequency and tone ur sending sms, it make it seems like ur treating me as a bf cos only couples do that" - oh, what the hell. i don't know what i've done to get into all these but i really feel it's very very very unfair towards me.

can someone teach me what i should do?

不知道再说什么

是你的就是你的。
不是你的就不是你的。
不是你的还强求还是不是你的。
是你的不用强求始终还是你的。

深奥吗？或许吧。连我自己也不知道再说什么。

“痛恨自己。”



Hey　我真的好想你　現在窗外面　又開始下著雨
眼睛乾乾的　有想哭的心情　不知道你現在到底在哪裡
Hey　我真的好想你　太多的情緒　沒適當的表情
最想說的話　我(應)該從何說起　你是否也像我一樣在想你

如果沒有你　沒有過去　我不會有傷心
但是有如果　還是要愛你
如果沒有你　我在哪裡　又有什麼可惜
反正一切來不及　反正沒有了自己

Hey　我真的好想你　不知道你現在到底在哪裡

你是否也像我一樣在想你

心痛

最近发生了很棘手的问题才让我领悟到，原来我太依赖朋友了，尤其是我最好的朋友。没有他们在身旁时，什么都做不好。现在面对了问题，拿起电话时，却发现我再也无法找人诉苦了。言语也无法形容我现在的感受，只好让歌曲来表达。



你总是这样说我
像一颗不容易溶化的糖果
带我见你的朋友
又很得意地埋怨我沈默

你追问我的行踪
你在乎我的举动
哄得我泪眼迷蒙
做些事情让我被感动

望著你突然一阵心痛
一次又一次任那感情放纵
你的脆弱让我走不开
你的依赖所以我存在

想著你还是想到心痛
期待我做的将来你都会懂
有一天真如我有一天
但愿我还在你记忆中

Kit Chan

If somehow one day I suddenly awake with the ability to play the piano, the first songs I'll play will all be Kit Chan's songs. I really really love her songs. They're all so beautifully rendered. I can't stop listening to her songs over and over again. I never got tired of them so I decided to share the song (see sidebar) with all my readers. It's one of my favourite songs as of now.

If I'm a singer now, I would wish I'm like her. I like her unique her voice - clear, precise, explosive. But what I like most is her songs, so meaningful in every word, not the ordinary kinda love songs flooding the market now but something more literature, something which makes u listen and think and try and understand the meaning of every word.

Okay, I know I sound crappy now but yes, I'm super tired and my mind aren't thking anymore. Will update again.

*I pray, I hope, I wish, I can get her to write me a birthday card and sing me a song as my birthday present... I pray, I hope, I wish...

special dedication

This is a song dedicated to shuting who's leaving later on in the morning.. Bon Voyage dear!

My funny friend and me


Lyrics

In the quiet time of evening
When the stars assume their patterns
And the day has made his journey
And we wondered just what happened
To the life we knew before the world changed
When not a thing I held was true
But you were kind to me and you reminded me
That the world is not my playground
There are other things that matter
And when a simple needs protecting
My illusions all would shatter
But you stayed in my corner
The only world I know was upside down
And now the world and me, I know you carry me

You see the patterns in the big sky
Those constellations look like you and I
Just like the patterns in the big sky
We could be lost we could refuse to try
But we made it through in the dark night
Would those lucky guys turn out to be
But that unusual blend of my funny friend and me

I'm not as clever as I thought I was
I'm not the boy I used to be because
You showed me something different, you showed me something pure
I always seemed so certain but I was really never sure
But you stayed and you called my name
When others would have walked out on a lousy game
And you could've made it through
But your funny friend and me

You see the patterns in the big sky
Those constellations look like you and I
That tiny planet in a bigger guy
I don't know whether I should laugh or cry
Just like the patterns in the big sky
We'll be together till the end is high
Don't know the answer or the reason why
We'll stick together till the day we die
If I had to do this all a second time
I won't complain or make a fuss
When the angels sing that that unlikely blend
Are those two funny friends
That's us

Better off dead

I've been pondering a lot after talking to Eileen over msn that day. She asked me what my plans were about my future and I was dumbfounded.

To be honest, my future seems so bleak. I've never actually given it a serious, careful thought. I have too many goals, too many aspirations in my mind but not one has ever been accomplished, neither did I ever start to work towards anyone of them. Whenever I see singers, sportsman, musicians, actors, models, etc I tell myself I want to be like one of them someday. Take a look at Lin Dan, world number 1 badminton player, Michael Phelps, the world's number 1 male swimmer who won 8 gold medals in the recent Olympic Games, Kelly Clarkson, Leona Lewis, Shi Xin Huey, Stefanie Sun, female singers with powerful voices that touch many hearts. They are my idols and I am truly inspired by them. I'm inspired by their stories, their hardwork before each race, before each performance. I want to be like them. I want to be motivated, I want to be smart, I want to be hardworking, I want to be respected, I want to be confident like them but most importantly, I want to be successful like them, I want to earn big bucks, I want to be mature in my thinking, I want to be a role model. Unfortunately, I can't, I'm not gifted to do those things. I'm just a useless bum lazing around and hoping each day would pass quickly and I shall vanish from this Earth. I crumble under hardships. I break down at every obstacle I face. I feel lost, I panic, my mind stops working. I refuse to face up to reality. I run, I hide, I turn back. I can't even do things my own way. The only thing I can do is to be in awe whenever I see those pictures, feel motivated for awhile and go back to who I am.

I'm better off dead.

Random

I know this is really random but after watching 黄金路 on tv, I realised that Felicia Chin is so pretty!! Oh my god.. *Melts* Btw, Tay Ping Hui is charismatic too! What powerful X-Factors they have!!

Emotions

I feel so overwhelmed by emotions after reading jas's blog. I'm feeling so touched. The post just make me tear in my eyes but I'm holding it back. Time really flies. In another few days' time, they'll be leaving Singapore for their overseas attachment. I really can't imagine how alone, how lost I might feel when they're away. But I just want to wish them "All The Best!" and that I'll definitely miss them so much when they leave!! Forget me not my besta best friends!

100th post

There are some stuff which I really feel like posting here but thought it'd be rather inappropriate as the whole world will know about it.. Argh.. How.. But I really feel like telling someone about it.. But who..?

UPDATE!

Right. Eugene shall update today.

My long wkend had just passed but there wasn't anything meaningful i did at all. Computer broke down. Back pain came back. Boring I know but I really can't find anything else to do. I fell asleep when doing revision. My eyes shut automatically when i see words. Goodness. Worse, I MISSED THE BEIJING OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONY!! Prestigious Chinese event but I actually missed it.

Haix.. Whatever lah.. I just wish each day will end quickly.

emo again

im feeling weird.. depressed.. sad.. i duno.. i jus know i shouldn't feel this way.. but i am..

Crazy me!

I did the craziest thing of my life today!

First, it was retail therapy. I spent a f**king $150!

Then, it was blood donation for the first time. The needle was damn BIG can?! Fortunately, the auntie there was very friendly. Felt so cold and was trembling so much. HAHA. Aiya, first time mah.. But it wasn't as bad as I think lah cos they administered anesthesia before they actually pierced the gigantic needle into my flesh. I held my breathe for a moment and phew~ everything was done in 5 minutes. I really hope there's nth wrong with my blood when they send it for testing before releasing it to hospitals to save life.

Lol. I really can't imagine what my mum will think of me when she comes home. HAHA. Must be thinking her son has gone crazy.

Oh.. And there's suddenly a dramatic change in my brother's attitude. He actually requested my mum to get him a watch so that he didn't have to bring his phone to school. Reason being that he didn't want to get distracted by SMS as well as to prevent his friends from contacting him and asking him out to play. Whao~ I really can't believe his day of maturity has finally come. Hope he maintains his attitude and does well for his O levels so he can achieve his dream of becoming a pilot.

Well, that's all for today I guess. Shall update more when I've time.

:D

I was just talking about that stupid taxi fare hike yesterday but I didn't expect it to happen to me today. It cost me 10 freaking dollars to get me from Aljunied to SGH. Argh. Anyway, the X-ray results came out and it's because of wear and tear of some parts of the spine that's causing me so much back pains every now and then. looks like apart from getting regular physiotherapy, there's nth much I can do about it. Hopefully it does help.

Pleasant things have been happening to people around me lately. I sort of met Michelle today and she told me she got NUH Scholarship!! Not bursary but scholarship leh! Which means she don't have to pay for her tuition fees AT ALL! I'm so jealous but at the same time envious of her! She's so so lucky!!! Wish her best of luck in her uni life! :D

Back to myself. I've more or less made up my mind to retake the A levels again next year. I'm aiming for at least AAB. I know it sounds impossible, especially for that dreadful GP paper. Haix, but after thinking about it, I think it's achievable if I put in enough effort. I need that scholarship badly!! My parents can't afford my university fees and I really really want to get into NUS (Science)! Argh. Hopefully I can do it bah. Haix.. God, please please tolong tolong help me ah!!

I really have to make many adjustments to my present corked-up life. I must get out of this depressed state. I can't remain like this forever.

I MUST FIND HAPPINESS!!!!

uber-happy

i think something's really wrong with me for the last 2 days lol. i've been feeling so superduperhigh up to a point where i can't actually go to bed at night due to the high levels of adrenaline pumping to my brain. lol. this unprecedented feeling is really really awesome!! i haven't had such euphoric feeling for a long long time ever since i was in sec 4! i can even smile in my dreams. lol!

*i just hope this happiness will last forever...

此刻的思想

你说的话在我心中生了根
承诺常常很像蝴蝶
美丽的飞盘旋然后不见

记忆在我的心中翻滚
太多疑问知道答案又如何
残忍时间 总要把诺言 一点点摧毁
是不是每一个人
都像我一样笨

我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有

我的天空今天有点灰
我的心是个落叶的季节
我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的

我不知道如何度过今夜
所有的灯 早已经全都熄灭
我需要的平静
是敢回头看曾经…

*Sometimes, ignorance is bliss...

Dengue Fever

I'm feeling very sick since saturday but I didn't tell anyone until I totally cannot take it today. My temperature shot up to 39 degree celsius this morning coupled with severe headache, muscle and joint pains and I blacked out 3 times - once in the toliet and twice while making my way to the polyclinic. It was a terribly long wait. When it was finally my turn, the doctor directed me immediately to the laboratory for a blood test for fear that I contracted dengue fever. Fortunately, the report came out negative. I hate falling sick. I think it's time I take better care of my own body.

Resignation to fate

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm too tired to whine anymore. Come what may. I can't be bothered. I can't do anything about it either. Even if god wants to keep playing such tricks on me, I'm too weak to fight back. I can't do anything about it...

*If one day I disappeared from your side, do not cry, do not call my name. just let me leave in silence.

Emo state.

"It's just emotions taking me over..."

Sexy back

lyrics extracted and edited from Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back"

I'm bringin' sexy back
Them other boys they don't know how to act
I think it's special... what's behind my back
keep scrolling down you'll be shocked of my back




You ready?




You ready?




You ready?




Uh...



(Yes)




Ta-da!

For fat "go-ers"

Did you know?

Drinking a glass of iced water can increase your metabolic rate by 24% for the next 90 minutes! Which means you can burn fats 24% faster with every glass of cold water!

*Fats fats go away...

Digital Camera

My mum finally got a DIGITAL CAMERA!
- And I can't stop camwhore-ing with it.

Next on the list - JC prelim papers.

I just wanna...

I really really really wanted to blog about something joyful, something happy, something sweet... but I can't. I really can't.

I don't wanna go back. I really don't wanna go back. I'm supposed to be free... to be liberated... Why must all good things always come to an end. Why must there always be unhappy moments every time after that few days of happy life. I can't take it anymore. I really can't take it anymore. I wish I could voice it out... I know I might feel better after voicing it out but I don't know why. I just can't bring myself to say. Words just roll back into my lungs when they reach my throat. I really need help. I really don't know what I'll do next.


I just wanna be small. really really small. small. small. small. small...
I just wanna die.

hospitalised

UPDATE!
I'm back not from camp but from SGH. Will blog about it when I feel like it next time. Too tired and giddy to blog any more stuff today.

Anyway, be cautious! DO NOT click on any links inside my comments column after every post. Apparently, someone's trying to spread some com viruses around and my computer got it already. So, BEWARE!

-heartfelt thanks to clique who came visiting, aunties and cousins!! and of cos not forgetting my lovely mum and dad who kept me companied much of the time. deeply appreciated. :)

backie

i'm finally back after spending another 13 odd days in camp. and it was e first time i emo-ed in camp after about a month or so. i couldn't take it anymore.

i had been coughing persistently for 3 weeks already and I really dunno what's wrong with me. my back still hurts as usual, my rashes became worse (now even my hands and legs have rashes), i get giddy spells every now and then and my legs get numbed every time i sit down for 3 minutes or so. tell me please, what's wrong with me. I really wanna know. and e only thk i can ever think of is that i've a weak heart either that low blood pressure?? blood cant flow to brain -> giddy, blood cant flow to legs -> numbness, blood cant flow to back -> back pain??

another month to POP and another 1 year and 8 months to ORD. Please tell me what to do.

SIMPLE LIFE

还是喜欢原汁原味的“面包花”。

BATMAN EUGENE RETURNS.

Finally booked out yesterday after 2 agonizing weeks with a cough and sore throat. And I'm super tanned and FAT now. My dad couldn't recognise me at the train station yesterday too. I must say that I had a really hard time adapting to NS life but I'm also quite glad that I made it through the 16 long days.

I was on drips for 2 days 2 weeks before cos my back hurt so much after carrying the heavy field pack and stuff. I really wanted to cry my hearts out but I totally had no strength to. God knows I was actually allergic to the pain killer jab for my back pain. Ended up having swollen eyes and a swollen face but the pain's still there. Haix. I'll still have to sacrifice one weekend to make up for the lessons I missed. Really hope they can squeeze some time next week to help make up for it without affecting my weekends and labour day break.

I was totally shagged yesterday but I still had to make a visit to the chinese physician because of my back pain. I had acupunture and stuff and my whole back is now blue-black. Notice those red, itchy rashes I have too. Haix.





And I've yet to recieve any university letters yet. Many of my bulk mates have already recieved their acceptance letter into NTU and SMU already. Boo. Actually, I quite expected this outcome already but it's still hard to accept the fact. Haix. I'm feeling quite sad over it but I can only hope for the best.

breathe NS

My happy days seemed so yesterday. I just woke up with this really weird feeling today. I didn't sleep well last night. It seemed like it's the last day I'm gonna stay on this earth. The feeling is just so bizzare. Memories just kept flashing back and the feeling of anticipation seems like it's gonna devour me any moment. My mum kept speaking to me today but whatever i heard was "blah blah blah blah blah". I just didn't have the mood to pay attention to her. HAHA. End up I just kept quiet and sat there while she went on and on. My mum's really worried, even more worried than me. My dad was pretty calm. HAHA. Let's not talk about my brother. haha. He doesn't love me at all. Blehx.

Anyway, I've been listening to this really old song called "A moment like this" by Kelly Clarkson and I'm quite sureprised to actually be able to find another rendition by Leona Lewis which I thought was slightly better than Kelly's cos i got pulled into the song cos I actually erm.. dropped a tear after listening to it. Hey, I'm not a person who will cry easily after listening to songs de hor!! haha. so to be gan dong by the song i think she did a really good job. She made me remember so much of stuff.. My family, friends, stage performances.. I suddenly imagined myself standing on stage and singing this song during the so-called finale. haha. I think it'd b damn cool!!!

Alright, I'm gonna miss miss miss all of ya here and of cos my bed, my pillow, my bolster, my aircon, my study desk, my pencil case, my pencils, my pens, my shoe rack, my shoes, my clothes, my cupboard, my t shirts, my shorts, my pants, my... ...
*Muacks to all*

A Moment like this

KPOP

Right, I've been crazy over K-POP again. And yes, I'm in love with SJ's songs.

I really dun see what's wrong with guys liking an all boy's band group. If liking an all boy's band group is "gay" then why do guys still listen to male singers' songs? Lee Sheng Jie, Tank, Luo Zhi Xiang.. Aren't they guys as well.. Aren't guys singing their songs in K-BOX as well? Then, what's the problem with becoming a fan of an all boys' band?

I get quite pissed at times by the comments ppl say but I jus find it pointless explaining to them. To them I'm "gay". Fine, so be it.

*F*ck LSM. SJ-M? -- Whatever.

peeling skin like peeling banana

there's something really wrong with me. My face was burning yesterday and it started peeling. it's like so sudden lor. then now like red red. I NEED A DERMATOLOGIST! it's so gross.

then this morning my hands started peeling too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! how how how????

computer idiot

i guess im really a computer idiot after all. there's jus so much stuff i need to learn!

even simple things like making e comments column under each post to changing the font size of the tagboard i only managed to learn it like now? after 3 years of blogging? -.-

oh gosh. cant take it anymore.

mundane life

life has been pretty mundane these days.. hm.. at least for me i guess.. as i anticipate eagerly for the arrival of 090408. argh. kinda bothered by this date as days draw nearer..

i told myself i'll use this 3 free months to learn photoshop, photography, manga drawing, doing up my own blogskin etc etc but sadly, very sadly, i havent done any of the above. thinking of that it's been ages since i did some physical education. urgh.

a good digicam costs also ard $700 for a relatively good one, photoshop costs like $690, a manga drawing book is costly as well. worse, without photoshop = no blogskin. urgh. no choice, gotta do sth jus to kill some time. so ta-da! my new blogskin's up. ahaha. it's like love on first sight. even my bro likes it! woah.. he's someone who doesn't like such stuff so i guess it must be pretty eye-catching for him to like it huh..

and i've found 2 songs which i pretty much like and i've kinds decided to post the chinese one first. oh gosh! i jus so admire stefanie sun. lucky girl.



雨天
孙燕姿

站在十字路的交点
该怎么走
我却只想回头
除了你给的伞
我再也没有
别的借口
去拥有你的什么

你能体谅我有雨天
偶尔胆怯 你都了解
过去那些
大雨落下的瞬间
我突然发现
谁能体谅我的雨天
所以情愿回你身边
此刻脚步 会慢一些
如此坚决
你却越来越远

牵手和分手
来自同一双手
作回朋友
我却悔恨不懂挽留

你能体谅我有雨天
偶尔胆怯 你都了解
过去那些
大雨落下的瞬间
我突然发现
谁能体谅我的雨天
所以情愿回你身边
此刻脚步 会慢一些
如此坚决
你却越来越远

是否太晚 路已走远
我的眼眶泪太满
走不回你身边

你能体谅我有雨天
偶尔胆怯 你都了解
过去那些
大雨落下的瞬间
我突然发现
谁能体谅
我的雨天
此刻脚步 会慢一些
如此坚决
你却越来越远

i'm jus wondering where on earth does she actually find the "feel" to sing such songs. haha. it's like so emotional and so lotsa-feel. haha.

P.S.if anyone who actually reads my pathetic blog, who has any kids, cousins, etc who's interested in chinese, chem, bio, maths perhaps tuition, may wanna intro 1 or 2 to me. thanks!

what i want in life

i guess it's always good to have someone older who looks after you. like an elder brother or sth. i never have that chance though. geez.

university talks weren't of much help. i'm reluctant myself to actually get into university. i always thought that by entering a jc, there were 2 extra years for me to think what i want to become. but that 2 years wasn't of much help either. i figured out recently that i've been running away from reality ever since i've decided to get into jc and im back to square one. the thought of living an aimless life for the last 18 years scares me. my future had been arranged by my parents ever since i was young so much so that i've lost the instinct to make my own life choices.

many decisions that i tried making turned out worse than i thought and i've been desensitised to make yet another decision on my own.. when can i ever get out of my own defenses to achieve what i want in life? i don't know.

perhaps another adam khoo workshop could help...


我不想再当一只没主见的井底之蛙了。。。

frustrations

i dun feel happy at all. like something is missing. my brain feels so empty but my heart feels so heavy. the devil and angel had been playing tricks on me ever since judgement day last fri. at times, i feel i didnt make the wrong choice, and that for the amount of efforts i've put in, the results that turned out was already better than expected. but on the other hand, the devil's telling me that i should blame the ppl ard me, the environment, the tchers and everyone else ard me. then again, the question since others can do it, why can't i keeps reverberating inside my mind. like nightmares after nightmares after nightmares.

the more ppl encourages me, the more ppl say that i did well, the more pathetic i felt i was. like are they saying the truth? are they mocking at me? are they trying to be sacrastic? even my parents doesn't understand me at all. my mum had been forcing me to make decisions that she wants, not sth which i want. she thinks she knows everything but she doesn't. she don't even know after 2 years of my entire f*cked up JC life, what i am actually studying. she still thinks i studied H2 Econs and Maths and H1 Bio in JC. Omgosh. i've told her at least 5 times. aren't i pathetic.

if that's not pathetic enough, she has been forcing me to go into engineering saying that there's a better job prospect in the future. come on, if i wanted to be an engineer, i'd hav taken physics in JC. she's not helping at all, jus adding to my frustrations.

im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im a pathetic soul.im pathetic.

shit life

shitty results = shitty brain = shitty me

judgement day

No more agony and waits for it's here this friday.
http://www.moe.gov.sg/press/2008/pr20080303.htm

surprisingly, no one actually went ga-ga over it on their blogs.

电视感受

原本想把埋怨发泄在博客上，后来想想其实把我昨晚看电视的一些感受放上来反而更有意义。

昨晚在看优频道的综艺大哥大后，我正在看新闻过后便转台到八频道。我不晓得那节目的名称。虽然只看了那最后五分钟，但感受却很多，突然就涌了上来，泪水在眼眶中打转。

记者访问了一些孤苦伶仃的老人，他们无依无靠，没有子女，或被子女抛弃。令我印象深刻的是备受方的一位阿麽。她行动不方便，自己没办法工作，靠的市政府每个月给的200多元养老金，扣掉房租40元和水电费100多元，剩下的也只有100元那么多。靠着这100元，她需要省吃俭用。鳉鱼仔和几根菜煮汤能让她吃上一天。随着消费税的提高，许多日常用品，吃的，喝的，也跟着提高。每天花多50毛，一块，一个月就得花多30块左右。对她来说经济上的负担越来越重但却无能为力。唯一能做得也只有吃少一天，用少一些。

令我感到心酸并不是这些。阿麽关心的并不是开销大，而是她本身的生后事。“我都已经这样老了，谁会要我。” “我不怕死。每个人也要经历一次，只是早跟晚而已。” 她受访时那伤心的样子还深深地印在我脑海里。虽然她嘴里说不怕死，但我知道她心里是多么的害怕，害怕自己一个人，静静的，孤零零的，离开这世界。她还得托人帮她办理自己的生后事。“死后将摆三天的裳事，能让人来坐坐，看看我一下。自己会出一点钱，买一些包子和冲一包茶好让客人来坐坐时有东西吃。第三天，把我给烧（火化）了，就这样。搞定。” 我看了之后，眼泪不由知几的留了下来。一方面是让我想起的已经过世的外婆，另一方面也让我领悟到原来社会上仍然有很多很多的人，需要我们的关怀，帮助。看了电视后，忽然有一种冲动，很想马上冲进电视里去帮助那位阿么。我坐在那儿泣不成声，身体也不听使唤的颤抖着。

我知道很多人都认为我是一个cry baby，什么都流泪，但处了哭，我不知道应该如何接受一些突如其来的情绪变化。虽然心里有很多感触想和大家分享，但我写不下去了。虽然如此，我想从今以后，我一定会去珍惜我身边所有所有的人，因为我知道，一旦失去了就再也找不到了。

dreaming of A level results

it's hard to believe but i dreamt of A level results day again.

scene 1
i sms eileen asking her how she did.
supposedly she did well cos she say she'd treat me to a drink. muahahaha

scene 2
i saw jian xiong, shu heng and eugene law in the dream!! they were sitting in the hall and eugene law was like jumping jumping hoping to get the results soon then suddenly changed scene

scene 3
cant rmb =.=

then again, i just woke up after scene 3. ahh. it's so torturing can.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." - Eleanor Roosevelt