stress?

i couldn't sleep. i couldn't eat. my hair kept dropping and dropping.

the last time i had hair drop was in school when the stress level was high.

what's happening to me?

Re-flections

I'd spent weeks thinking about what happened, turning it over in my mind. I wanted to hurl a blanket and pillow in my closet, dive in, and never come out again. But even worse were the thoughts that came after I'd agonized over what had happened. I can't stay here any longer.

Imagine

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Adapted from: Lyrics007

Letting go

Let me share a story with YOU.

Two monks were travelling together in the rainy season. They were walking along a road that had become extremely muddy after a heavy rain. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing.

"Come on, girl, let me help you," said the first monk. Lifting her onto his shoulders, he carried her across.

The two monks walked on in silence till it was dark, and retreated to a lodging temple for the night. There, the second monk could no longer restrain himself.

“Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to touch a woman.”

The first monk replied, "I'd put her down long ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

Yes, I do know that somehow YOU are getting back at me for who knows what reason. And I do know that YOU have something to say about every single comments i made. YOU know who YOU are.

But I just want YOU to know that YOU are hurting YOURSELF more than YOU are hurting me if YOU continue to do that. Yes, I do get disturbed by all the comments that YOU made. I'm okay without a friend like YOU. As you can see, I'm still surviving to type this post. Time will pass, I might make even better friends than YOU, well, hopefully but my point is are YOU going to hold on to this whatever seems to be "hatred" against me for the rest of YOUR life?

Forgive and Forget.

I don't know why or how things turned out this way. But since YOU want it this way, I might as well say what I have to say and move on. The fact is, I will forgive YOU, or should I say, I have already forgiven YOU for making those empty remarks against me. It just shows how shallow and narrow-minded YOU are compared to me. The only thing that I cannot do is to totally erase YOU out of my life. If I could, then I would do that, but I cannot. The only thing I can do is to let you go, so I can be free, and YOU can too. All the best.

"Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you, Yes I will"

Leona Lewis
Better In Time

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I will be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the past
I believe it
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I will be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Adapted from: Lyrics Mode

你，不值得我留恋。

Thoughts

"I can't do this. I'm so tired. I just want to quit," I say through clenched teeth.

"Are you okay?"

I grunted, but I wanted to say, No, Mum, I'm not okay and you're not okay, but let's keep lying to each other since the truth hurts. I wanted to tell Mum a lot, but I couldn't say the words. I spent more time imagining conversations with her, and dad, than I did having them.

"I don't want to talk about it!" I shouted as I left the room.

"Fine, do what you deem fit," she snapped at me and swung the door shut. I wanted to turn around and admit my helplessness. Mum, I want to talk to you so you can tell me what to do, but there's a wall and I just can't smash through it.

"Fine!" I shouted over my shoulder, but regretted that immediately. I wanted to say, Mum, I'm sorry. You don't deserve this crap. I want to be a better son, but I don't know how.

I propped my weak, shaking body onto the sofa and buried my face using my palms, hoping to find some strength. I know now more than ever that I can't go on like this for even one more day or sleepless night. I need to find the courage to either live or kill myself. I can't live in between any longer.