Better off dead

I've been pondering a lot after talking to Eileen over msn that day. She asked me what my plans were about my future and I was dumbfounded.

To be honest, my future seems so bleak. I've never actually given it a serious, careful thought. I have too many goals, too many aspirations in my mind but not one has ever been accomplished, neither did I ever start to work towards anyone of them. Whenever I see singers, sportsman, musicians, actors, models, etc I tell myself I want to be like one of them someday. Take a look at Lin Dan, world number 1 badminton player, Michael Phelps, the world's number 1 male swimmer who won 8 gold medals in the recent Olympic Games, Kelly Clarkson, Leona Lewis, Shi Xin Huey, Stefanie Sun, female singers with powerful voices that touch many hearts. They are my idols and I am truly inspired by them. I'm inspired by their stories, their hardwork before each race, before each performance. I want to be like them. I want to be motivated, I want to be smart, I want to be hardworking, I want to be respected, I want to be confident like them but most importantly, I want to be successful like them, I want to earn big bucks, I want to be mature in my thinking, I want to be a role model. Unfortunately, I can't, I'm not gifted to do those things. I'm just a useless bum lazing around and hoping each day would pass quickly and I shall vanish from this Earth. I crumble under hardships. I break down at every obstacle I face. I feel lost, I panic, my mind stops working. I refuse to face up to reality. I run, I hide, I turn back. I can't even do things my own way. The only thing I can do is to be in awe whenever I see those pictures, feel motivated for awhile and go back to who I am.

I'm better off dead.