Monday, October 5, 2009

Apologises

I was flipping through my friend's book when I came across this phrase that set me thinking and reflecting once more. It states something like "Mistakes which are repeated becomes habits which cannot be easily corrected."

This leads me to think of another phrase which I came across some years back. It is said that thoughts turn into beliefs; beliefs become actions; actions form habits; habits shape character; and character defines destiny.

A sudden rush of adrenaline ran through my bloodstream and this sense of guilt overwhelmed me.

My parents had been reminding me relentlessly that I need to change my short-tempered and rash behaviour that I have. I always viewed it as an inheritance from my mother and have always attributed this attitude as a result of my condition. I've always take their advise lightly thinking that there's nothing wrong with my character and this persisted on for a number of years (i think).

And in the entire process, I must admit I have hurt a lot of people, including my closest loved ones like my grandmother. Just like last week, I boomed and fired my grandmother just because she came to advise me not to quarrel with my brother. This, is a really small thing, but I made a mountain out of it.

Something's wrong with me, but I don't know what. I went for my counselling session as usual and decided for the first time after so many sessions to finally pour out everything, every problem which I am facing. I told my counsellor that I always thought I am right, that whatever I'm doing is right. I cited a few examples, mostly failed relationships with my family, my friends and even my (once) closest friends.

And she gave me only one sentence
"Change, if your actions are hurting everyone around you."
And that rang a bell in my ears. My actions have inevitably caused misery to so many people around me. I've moved on. Right, I did but how about those that are around me, that I have inflicted pain upon. Can they move on? Are they able to move on?

Will they accept my apologises if i apologise? Is it too late for apologies? I want so much in my heart and mind to apologise. But how?

That's the question.

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