I feel so much better now. :)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
心有余而力不足
I don't know what's gotten into me but I'm back being all emo. Perhaps, it's bcos of the financial situation I'm in now. Perhaps, it's bcos I've got nothing better to do and my brain's rotting. Perhaps, it's bcos I told myself never to dream again becos fulfilling dreams are like investments, the more you invest in, the closer you get. But what if you don't have the means? Dreams will be just dreams.
Instead of being upset over having a dream, why not just give it up and conform to life? How bad can being like any other child in the street be? Eat, study, sleep, get a job, get married, retire and then wait for your time to come. Not having dreams would mean not having something that needs to be done and if you don't have to achieve it, it also means you'll leave this earth with regrets when time comes. Isn't that wonderful?
This is my 3rd post of the day. I vow I never intended to be so long-winded but I need to ventilate. I'm alone, had been alone and will be alone. It feels like imprisonment with only the four walls facing you everyday from dawn to dusk, with no humane apparition in sight. Even when there is someone at home, nobody talks, and it just makes me feel even more empty.
Somehow while I'm typing this, these lyrics kept rewinding like time - incessant, relentless, never-ending,
but unfortunately, it got interrupted for awhile and became
*有时不是我不明白，我以為倒著流眼淚，不經過臉不傷悲。现在想起来，真想 COL - CRY OUT LOUD，痛苦一场* T.T
心有余而力不足。遗憾，真是遗憾。。。
Instead of being upset over having a dream, why not just give it up and conform to life? How bad can being like any other child in the street be? Eat, study, sleep, get a job, get married, retire and then wait for your time to come. Not having dreams would mean not having something that needs to be done and if you don't have to achieve it, it also means you'll leave this earth with regrets when time comes. Isn't that wonderful?
This is my 3rd post of the day. I vow I never intended to be so long-winded but I need to ventilate. I'm alone, had been alone and will be alone. It feels like imprisonment with only the four walls facing you everyday from dawn to dusk, with no humane apparition in sight. Even when there is someone at home, nobody talks, and it just makes me feel even more empty.
Somehow while I'm typing this, these lyrics kept rewinding like time - incessant, relentless, never-ending,
有时候有时候 我会相信一切有尽头
相聚离开都有时候 没有什么会永垂不朽
but unfortunately, it got interrupted for awhile and became
There she goes, there she goes again, nagging, scolding me, and I just can't contain, this feeling that remains...
*有时不是我不明白，我以為倒著流眼淚，不經過臉不傷悲。现在想起来，真想 COL - CRY OUT LOUD，痛苦一场* T.T
心有余而力不足。遗憾，真是遗憾。。。
Bleed
Today is any "down" day. Why? I almost had a stitch on my right hand, had the cut been deeper. I shall let the pictures do the thousand words explanation.
There was no blood at first, just a dent mark. I gave it a rub and went on to do my work. Then, this happened:
The blood didn't stop oozing out even after I've applied pressure on the wound.
I was sent into a state of panic while I tried searching high and low for a piece of plaster or anything that I can get to cover up the wound until I see a doctor.
I rushed myself to the polyclinic since no one in the family actually cares whether I'm alive or dead, especially so after the quarrel. The nurse at the polyclinic got a shock when she saw my wound so she wrote a note to the counter staff to let me see the doctor first.
I had to wait for an hour since it was 1 pm and the doctors are all out for lunch. Fortunately, when I finally saw the doctor, he examined the cut and said that the bleeding stopped and that I was lucky because if the cut were a little deeper, he'd need to do a stitch on it but it also means that for the next few days, I'd have to clean the wound thoroughly and apply antibiotic cream everyday until it completely heals.
Somehow, I can feel this dark aura coming at me, signaling the start of something sinister this new year. As I was reading "The hounds of the Baskervilles" by Sir Authur Conan Doyle, this phrase seems to stick to my mind like glue and is repaeting itself like a spoilt radio when my skull is free of thoughts.
Perhaps, I'm just thinking too much.
There was no blood at first, just a dent mark. I gave it a rub and went on to do my work. Then, this happened:
The blood didn't stop oozing out even after I've applied pressure on the wound.
I was sent into a state of panic while I tried searching high and low for a piece of plaster or anything that I can get to cover up the wound until I see a doctor.
I rushed myself to the polyclinic since no one in the family actually cares whether I'm alive or dead, especially so after the quarrel. The nurse at the polyclinic got a shock when she saw my wound so she wrote a note to the counter staff to let me see the doctor first.
I had to wait for an hour since it was 1 pm and the doctors are all out for lunch. Fortunately, when I finally saw the doctor, he examined the cut and said that the bleeding stopped and that I was lucky because if the cut were a little deeper, he'd need to do a stitch on it but it also means that for the next few days, I'd have to clean the wound thoroughly and apply antibiotic cream everyday until it completely heals.
Somehow, I can feel this dark aura coming at me, signaling the start of something sinister this new year. As I was reading "The hounds of the Baskervilles" by Sir Authur Conan Doyle, this phrase seems to stick to my mind like glue and is repaeting itself like a spoilt radio when my skull is free of thoughts.
"I am concious of myself of a weight at my heart and a feeling of impending danger - ever present danger, which is more terrible because I am unable to define it." - Dr Watson
Perhaps, I'm just thinking too much.
Friday, February 19, 2010
HINT HINT NOT FUNNY
You trying to hint something...? What a joke. It's dumb to use such methods for confessions.
I know I promised not to visit that webpage again but I was too curious to wanna find out what exactly happened that led to that sudden outburst of messages... My bad!
I know I promised not to visit that webpage again but I was too curious to wanna find out what exactly happened that led to that sudden outburst of messages... My bad!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Bad Day
Yesterday was a day of roller coaster ride. And this morning started equally bad either.
I met with a small accident yesterday morning. Fortunately, nobody was hurt. The vehicle I'm in actually knocked into the vehicle beside us. For us, the side mirror kinda bended, but for the other guy, his poor car got scratched. DAMMIT. We're still feeling f**king guilty about it. Had to settle the things that need to be settled, see the face that needed to be seen and hear the words that we had to swallow. DAMMIT.
And if you kinda know my character, the only way I can think of to ventilate my bad mood is to spend. And guess what, I spent $170 on a new pair of specs =.= I WANT MY MONEY BACK. F**K. And because of my bad insomnia for the past (2?) weeks, I got so fed up, I went to buy 2 f**king pillows, one at $39 each. DAMN.
Also, I kinda knew that there was an ORD function yesterday but no one actually informed me of the time and venue. Finally at 3, Ian gave me a call, asking me if I could attend. OF COURSE I COULD, but WHERE and WHEN? Turf City, 6pm. CRAP, HOW DO I GET THERE? I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE. And I was left with so little time to prepare. I rushed home, changed and ran out. I was already walking halfway to the train station when I realised I DIDN'T BRING CASH! I had to give my dad a call and see what can be done. Waited for him at the train station and by the time he came, it was already 5.30pm!
I kinda got fed up and took a cab down. OMFG. Throughout the entire taxi journey to Turf City, the taxi driver criticised everything about Singapore, from Singaporeans to the taxes to whatever, I wanted peace and I wasn't listening already! But he went on and on incessantly like bullets coming out from a machine gun.
I was already freaking pissed but he added oil to the flames that were building inside me. HE AT LEAST HAD ONE FILTHY HOKKEIN VOCABULARY IN EVERY FARKING SENTENCE HE SPOKE. The worse part was, I was caught in a jam from PIE all the way to Bukit Timah, even up till the outside of Turf City, there was a bloody big jam. I was wondering to myself what the ERPs were erected for since it didn't quite serve its purpose of regulating traffic. But anyway, that's not the main point. When the car in front crawled and stopped, KNNCCB came out of his mouth. When a car tried to overtake him, LJ came out. =.= WTF. I swear I wanted to strangle him, get out of the car and run my way to Turf City.
But nonetheless, the celebration was great! I just loved the seafood!!! Life once!! The prawns were damn SWEET, the Lala was GREAT and the crab was AWESOME. That sort of lifted my mood a little. And the best part that pulled me out of my bad mood was the picture taken with my Saviour! The best part was how they drank till everyone got kinda HIGH and drunk. Well, at least, almost drunk, except for a few. I hope they're okay now :S.
All in all, yesterday ended well until this morning. Because of the endless trash at home that needs to be cleared for CNY, my mother boomed at us. AGAIN. She meant well but I thought it was just so unpleasant to start a day with all those scoldings. Urgh. But lucky enough, somethings actually cheered me up so much, I'm in tears now. No, not sad tears lah~ Happy ones. :) I thought I'd just share this clip with my fans (you) and here's wishing you a memorable and joyful day ahead!
I met with a small accident yesterday morning. Fortunately, nobody was hurt. The vehicle I'm in actually knocked into the vehicle beside us. For us, the side mirror kinda bended, but for the other guy, his poor car got scratched. DAMMIT. We're still feeling f**king guilty about it. Had to settle the things that need to be settled, see the face that needed to be seen and hear the words that we had to swallow. DAMMIT.
And if you kinda know my character, the only way I can think of to ventilate my bad mood is to spend. And guess what, I spent $170 on a new pair of specs =.= I WANT MY MONEY BACK. F**K. And because of my bad insomnia for the past (2?) weeks, I got so fed up, I went to buy 2 f**king pillows, one at $39 each. DAMN.
Also, I kinda knew that there was an ORD function yesterday but no one actually informed me of the time and venue. Finally at 3, Ian gave me a call, asking me if I could attend. OF COURSE I COULD, but WHERE and WHEN? Turf City, 6pm. CRAP, HOW DO I GET THERE? I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE. And I was left with so little time to prepare. I rushed home, changed and ran out. I was already walking halfway to the train station when I realised I DIDN'T BRING CASH! I had to give my dad a call and see what can be done. Waited for him at the train station and by the time he came, it was already 5.30pm!
I kinda got fed up and took a cab down. OMFG. Throughout the entire taxi journey to Turf City, the taxi driver criticised everything about Singapore, from Singaporeans to the taxes to whatever, I wanted peace and I wasn't listening already! But he went on and on incessantly like bullets coming out from a machine gun.
I was already freaking pissed but he added oil to the flames that were building inside me. HE AT LEAST HAD ONE FILTHY HOKKEIN VOCABULARY IN EVERY FARKING SENTENCE HE SPOKE. The worse part was, I was caught in a jam from PIE all the way to Bukit Timah, even up till the outside of Turf City, there was a bloody big jam. I was wondering to myself what the ERPs were erected for since it didn't quite serve its purpose of regulating traffic. But anyway, that's not the main point. When the car in front crawled and stopped, KNNCCB came out of his mouth. When a car tried to overtake him, LJ came out. =.= WTF. I swear I wanted to strangle him, get out of the car and run my way to Turf City.
But nonetheless, the celebration was great! I just loved the seafood!!! Life once!! The prawns were damn SWEET, the Lala was GREAT and the crab was AWESOME. That sort of lifted my mood a little. And the best part that pulled me out of my bad mood was the picture taken with my Saviour! The best part was how they drank till everyone got kinda HIGH and drunk. Well, at least, almost drunk, except for a few. I hope they're okay now :S.
All in all, yesterday ended well until this morning. Because of the endless trash at home that needs to be cleared for CNY, my mother boomed at us. AGAIN. She meant well but I thought it was just so unpleasant to start a day with all those scoldings. Urgh. But lucky enough, somethings actually cheered me up so much, I'm in tears now. No, not sad tears lah~ Happy ones. :) I thought I'd just share this clip with my fans (you) and here's wishing you a memorable and joyful day ahead!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
rejections, rejections, rejections
It's been about 2 weeks since I last updated but I doubt anyone would be interested to read this mundane blog anyway.
Right, I have no idea what I've been doing for the past few days, and why I am feeling so light-headed and groggy since I woke up this morning. Holy Crap. And I HATE INSOMNIA, SONOFABITCH. I just can't fall asleep at night and these stupid thoughts just keep reverberating in my mind like a relentless waterfall. It goes from songs to self-talking to anticipatory anxiety. OMFG.
And I seriously need something to regulate my heartbeat. I keep having this feeling that my heart is pumping so fast, it will jump out of my mouth any moment. -.-
Okay, enough of random rantings.
There are a few things that happened this week that set my mind thinking again. I swear this might be one of the longest and driest post you'll read (if there's even anyone who happens to pop by at least to see how this defamed celebrity has been doing :S)
For one, I personally believe that the more confident one is, the more anxious one will get to achieve some things that they want, and in turn, make more mistakes than they should have made. I experienced this not once, but twice in a matter of 3 days.
I don't seem to be able to control this emotion of mine and it has brought me failures after failures in the last 20 years of my life. If I want something, I'll try ways and means to get it as fast as I can. My mind will stop processing the possible repercussions that might occur due to that fleet of thoughts resulting in me making rash decisions and wrong moves.
Man, I really gotta change this attitude of mine. It's really unhealthy and has made me lost some of the things that I should have had before.
Also, I realised that saying "No" to someone or something might not be that bad after all as long as you stand firm to your point of view.
But then again, because of the continuous rejections, you lost precious things in return. One very good example might be that of the expansion of social circle or the lost of a job which might have brought you higher salary with less stress than your present job.
I'm sure everyone have heard of the story of 'The Boy who Cried Wolf'. The morale of the story is to teach our future generations on the consequences of telling lies. However, I do see some other morales being taught in the story as well. I shall share one of the more promiscuous viewpoint I have with regards to the story.
I personally have seen this morale play in front of me for numerous times in my life. I don't have many friends (close friends at least) and that could be attributed to what I've mentioned earlier.
Thinking back, I must be totally out of my mind then. Now that I'm much older, and finally realised how important it is to form a good social circle, everything seems so damn late.
You tend to be more careful when making friends now, especially in working society, where you don't know who your true friend or foe may be. Hence, the friends made now might be just fair-weather friends.
Second, with that small circle of close friends you have, some tend to drift away from you more as you grow older, due to changes in mindset, due to changes in social status or even due to a change in their perspectives of you. Hence, your circle of friends diminishes again.
And the crux of you losing the chance of maintaining friendship comes when you reject their constant offers to ask you out for mini gatherings. I remember when I was still schooling, many people have tried to ask me out for gatherings, movies, etc but I kept using the same few reasons to reject them like "I've something urgent to see to", "Studying is more important. I don't have time for this.", etc. Silly it may seem but I swear I did that.
So, now with the advancement of technology, we have this really cool application on the Internet called the FACEBOOK, where one can upload and tag photographs anytime, anywhere. Of cos, I'm not trying to promote how good facebook is. I'm just trying to say that with this technology, one can easily have access to their friends' pages to find out what they are doing. And then DAMMIT, this is when you realised the same group of people you used to hang out with have been going out without you!
You don't see your face in any of their photographs (And damn, no, you're not the photographer) AND you don't recieve RSVPs from the organiser AND the most strong sense of envy, guilt and regret comes when you realised you can't get back into the group anymore. You don't have any idea what they are talking, you find it awkward to even ask them out again =.=
You seem to have landed on an alien planet because within this short span of 1-2 years (or even days) when you're not around, their friendship has been building and taking shape and you're no longer one of their building blocks. To them, you are just a visitor to the palace they've built. It's like the boy who cried wolf - you used to have everything, or least think you have everything but after lying (in my case, rejecting their offer) for 1, 2, 3 times, that's it, you are totally out of their minds.
Sad, huh? But then again, what can be done? All but to accept and move on, I guess. Any takers on that?
Right, I have no idea what I've been doing for the past few days, and why I am feeling so light-headed and groggy since I woke up this morning. Holy Crap. And I HATE INSOMNIA, SONOFABITCH. I just can't fall asleep at night and these stupid thoughts just keep reverberating in my mind like a relentless waterfall. It goes from songs to self-talking to anticipatory anxiety. OMFG.
And I seriously need something to regulate my heartbeat. I keep having this feeling that my heart is pumping so fast, it will jump out of my mouth any moment. -.-
Okay, enough of random rantings.
There are a few things that happened this week that set my mind thinking again. I swear this might be one of the longest and driest post you'll read (if there's even anyone who happens to pop by at least to see how this defamed celebrity has been doing :S)
For one, I personally believe that the more confident one is, the more anxious one will get to achieve some things that they want, and in turn, make more mistakes than they should have made. I experienced this not once, but twice in a matter of 3 days.
I don't seem to be able to control this emotion of mine and it has brought me failures after failures in the last 20 years of my life. If I want something, I'll try ways and means to get it as fast as I can. My mind will stop processing the possible repercussions that might occur due to that fleet of thoughts resulting in me making rash decisions and wrong moves.
Man, I really gotta change this attitude of mine. It's really unhealthy and has made me lost some of the things that I should have had before.
Also, I realised that saying "No" to someone or something might not be that bad after all as long as you stand firm to your point of view.
But then again, because of the continuous rejections, you lost precious things in return. One very good example might be that of the expansion of social circle or the lost of a job which might have brought you higher salary with less stress than your present job.
I'm sure everyone have heard of the story of 'The Boy who Cried Wolf'. The morale of the story is to teach our future generations on the consequences of telling lies. However, I do see some other morales being taught in the story as well. I shall share one of the more promiscuous viewpoint I have with regards to the story.
I personally have seen this morale play in front of me for numerous times in my life. I don't have many friends (close friends at least) and that could be attributed to what I've mentioned earlier.
Thinking back, I must be totally out of my mind then. Now that I'm much older, and finally realised how important it is to form a good social circle, everything seems so damn late.
You tend to be more careful when making friends now, especially in working society, where you don't know who your true friend or foe may be. Hence, the friends made now might be just fair-weather friends.
Second, with that small circle of close friends you have, some tend to drift away from you more as you grow older, due to changes in mindset, due to changes in social status or even due to a change in their perspectives of you. Hence, your circle of friends diminishes again.
And the crux of you losing the chance of maintaining friendship comes when you reject their constant offers to ask you out for mini gatherings. I remember when I was still schooling, many people have tried to ask me out for gatherings, movies, etc but I kept using the same few reasons to reject them like "I've something urgent to see to", "Studying is more important. I don't have time for this.", etc. Silly it may seem but I swear I did that.
So, now with the advancement of technology, we have this really cool application on the Internet called the FACEBOOK, where one can upload and tag photographs anytime, anywhere. Of cos, I'm not trying to promote how good facebook is. I'm just trying to say that with this technology, one can easily have access to their friends' pages to find out what they are doing. And then DAMMIT, this is when you realised the same group of people you used to hang out with have been going out without you!
You don't see your face in any of their photographs (And damn, no, you're not the photographer) AND you don't recieve RSVPs from the organiser AND the most strong sense of envy, guilt and regret comes when you realised you can't get back into the group anymore. You don't have any idea what they are talking, you find it awkward to even ask them out again =.=
You seem to have landed on an alien planet because within this short span of 1-2 years (or even days) when you're not around, their friendship has been building and taking shape and you're no longer one of their building blocks. To them, you are just a visitor to the palace they've built. It's like the boy who cried wolf - you used to have everything, or least think you have everything but after lying (in my case, rejecting their offer) for 1, 2, 3 times, that's it, you are totally out of their minds.
Sad, huh? But then again, what can be done? All but to accept and move on, I guess. Any takers on that?
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