rejections, rejections, rejections

It's been about 2 weeks since I last updated but I doubt anyone would be interested to read this mundane blog anyway.

Right, I have no idea what I've been doing for the past few days, and why I am feeling so light-headed and groggy since I woke up this morning. Holy Crap. And I HATE INSOMNIA, SONOFABITCH. I just can't fall asleep at night and these stupid thoughts just keep reverberating in my mind like a relentless waterfall. It goes from songs to self-talking to anticipatory anxiety. OMFG.

And I seriously need something to regulate my heartbeat. I keep having this feeling that my heart is pumping so fast, it will jump out of my mouth any moment. -.-

Okay, enough of random rantings.

There are a few things that happened this week that set my mind thinking again. I swear this might be one of the longest and driest post you'll read (if there's even anyone who happens to pop by at least to see how this defamed celebrity has been doing :S)

For one, I personally believe that the more confident one is, the more anxious one will get to achieve some things that they want, and in turn, make more mistakes than they should have made. I experienced this not once, but twice in a matter of 3 days.

I don't seem to be able to control this emotion of mine and it has brought me failures after failures in the last 20 years of my life. If I want something, I'll try ways and means to get it as fast as I can. My mind will stop processing the possible repercussions that might occur due to that fleet of thoughts resulting in me making rash decisions and wrong moves.

Man, I really gotta change this attitude of mine. It's really unhealthy and has made me lost some of the things that I should have had before.

Also, I realised that saying "No" to someone or something might not be that bad after all as long as you stand firm to your point of view.

But then again, because of the continuous rejections, you lost precious things in return. One very good example might be that of the expansion of social circle or the lost of a job which might have brought you higher salary with less stress than your present job.

I'm sure everyone have heard of the story of 'The Boy who Cried Wolf'. The morale of the story is to teach our future generations on the consequences of telling lies. However, I do see some other morales being taught in the story as well. I shall share one of the more promiscuous viewpoint I have with regards to the story.

I personally have seen this morale play in front of me for numerous times in my life. I don't have many friends (close friends at least) and that could be attributed to what I've mentioned earlier.

Thinking back, I must be totally out of my mind then. Now that I'm much older, and finally realised how important it is to form a good social circle, everything seems so damn late.

You tend to be more careful when making friends now, especially in working society, where you don't know who your true friend or foe may be. Hence, the friends made now might be just fair-weather friends.

Second, with that small circle of close friends you have, some tend to drift away from you more as you grow older, due to changes in mindset, due to changes in social status or even due to a change in their perspectives of you. Hence, your circle of friends diminishes again.

And the crux of you losing the chance of maintaining friendship comes when you reject their constant offers to ask you out for mini gatherings. I remember when I was still schooling, many people have tried to ask me out for gatherings, movies, etc but I kept using the same few reasons to reject them like "I've something urgent to see to", "Studying is more important. I don't have time for this.", etc. Silly it may seem but I swear I did that.

So, now with the advancement of technology, we have this really cool application on the Internet called the FACEBOOK, where one can upload and tag photographs anytime, anywhere. Of cos, I'm not trying to promote how good facebook is. I'm just trying to say that with this technology, one can easily have access to their friends' pages to find out what they are doing. And then DAMMIT, this is when you realised the same group of people you used to hang out with have been going out without you!

You don't see your face in any of their photographs (And damn, no, you're not the photographer) AND you don't recieve RSVPs from the organiser AND the most strong sense of envy, guilt and regret comes when you realised you can't get back into the group anymore. You don't have any idea what they are talking, you find it awkward to even ask them out again =.=

You seem to have landed on an alien planet because within this short span of 1-2 years (or even days) when you're not around, their friendship has been building and taking shape and you're no longer one of their building blocks. To them, you are just a visitor to the palace they've built. It's like the boy who cried wolf - you used to have everything, or least think you have everything but after lying (in my case, rejecting their offer) for 1, 2, 3 times, that's it, you are totally out of their minds.

Sad, huh? But then again, what can be done? All but to accept and move on, I guess. Any takers on that?