Mother

My mum cried in front of me. In the market. It's really surprising that a person with so much courage and willpower actually have times when they breakdown and cry.

We were just chatting when she suddenly brought up my grandmother. My mother's mum had already passed away for about 4 months but whenever my mum talks about her, she'll try and hold back her tears but I know she misses her so so so much. And whenever I see her sad, I too had to control my tears. It's just so emotional. Apart from saying "Don't think about it. It's unavoidable." I seriuosly can't think of anything that I can help to make her feel better even though I really want to.

I finally understand why she keeps scolding us even for a nitty-gritty stuff. She doesn't want us to regret as she did. She wants us to be filial to our parents now when they are alive for she doesn't have a chance anymore.

She's still carrying a huge burden on her shoulders. The pain of seeing her closest loved one leaving her, someone who had brought her up to be who she is today, someone who showered her children with her love and care, someone who braved through World War 2 all by herself, is just so painful, so heart-piercing that it cannot be forgotten as easily as one says it.

I had so much going through my mind just now but I just can't write anymore. I have so much thoughts spinning in my head now. I should not let my mum worry. I have do think of my future. I have to think about my route after A levels. She hopes to see me working in an office, wearing long sleeve shirts with tie and leather boots but I have dreams that are completely opposite from that. Should I follow my dreams or should I go the boring way, to work in offices, what will the consequences, my future be like if I chose either routes? I seriously don't know. I just hope I'll straightened out my thoughts someday. I'm just so confused right now. God, please, please lead me and guide me.

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." - Harriet Beecher Stowe

May we live our lifes without any regrets.

After exams

ALRIGHT!

Enough of emo posts. EXAMS ARE OVER!
REJOICE!!

But hey, I seriously missed studying. I suddenly feel so empty in a world without studying. I wanna go out and play but my poly frens are still having lessons. JC frens got their own JC clique le. I haven't heard of any class outings yet for my class. I'M BORED STIFF!!!!

My brother's computer is just so great lor. Have to use web messenger cos he can't download the latest msn messenger. I can't even watch youtube on his computer cos he doesn't have a flashplayer. He can't download one too. =.= That's pathetic.

Worse thing, was chatting with sandra's frens ytday and I guess they got offended by some remarks I made. Sianz. I didn't know they take jokes so seriously. Phew. Guess I've got some apologies to do...

Went blog hopping and realise some blogs are down, and ting's recent posts sounded like she's got some deep hatred with people. Haiyo. Society is just filled with too much hypocrites and backstabbers. You dunno when your best fren is actually ur enemies. If we are grant the power to perform eugenics, guess these people are the first ones to die. Ahahaha.

I can't think of anything to blog now. Guess I'll continue again on the next blog post.

don't get it

Everyone seems to be celebrating,
shouting at the top of their voices
that they can get straight As.
.
.
.
But here I am,
.
.
.
alone
.
.
.
on a road
.
.
.
to nowhere.
.
.
.
Bless me.

自杀

突然好有自杀的念头，但自己又很怕痛。
应该吞安眠药，割脉，吞消毒药水，还是跳楼好。。。

JC

Sometimes I just wished I was in NYJC where my friends are. Perhaps, I'd have done better. Sec sch frens are still the ones who are encouraging you and spurring u on with their msgs. Of cos there are those who don't but most I know do. It's so unlike people in college (some, not all).

I don't get it sometimes. Why does my mum insist I go to a school which I didn't like. I should have been rebellious then. I should have gone to appeal into the school that I wanted to be in. Perhaps, I was too mummy's boy then. Maybe even till now.

Friends see me as useless. So what if I'm a boy. Boy very big deal meh? There are times where boys feel useless too. Where they need someone to care about too. Why must society have this mentality that boys can't cry. If they cry they're not boys. Please. The thinking is just so obselete. "You boy leh" everything also you boy leh you boy leh. Boys so what? Boys are human beings too. We have feelings too. Yes, it is true that boys tend to hide their emotions and thoughts. On the outsdie they may look ok but their hearts are crying inside them. When boys cry, it really means the matter had really come to an extent where they can't bottle their feelings up anymore. Do you girls understand that? NO.

I'm seriously sick and tired of this entire H1, H2 thing. It's time MOE revamp the system to cater better to the needs of our future generations. we really dont wanna see more students ended up in Buangkok Green.

Reply to Eileen: It doesn't make a difference now. Even if I get an A for this subject left, I doubt I can get into uni all because of that H1 paper.

"I don noe wat i wan to do nw .. I just wan to be alone .. To b in a corner where no 1 noe .. To hide somewhere where no one will notice my existence.. Let mi go unnoticed .." - Jasmine

success

It just isn't fair! It just isn't fair!

Why? Why must this happen to me? I swore I did every single qns in the tys ytday and even completed those I didn't complete today. But why must God do this to me? Why can't I perform on the spot. First qn down, second, third, foruth, fifth down down down. As I continued on I lose more and more of my confidence I've built up after completing the tys qns. I'm a total letdown. I've this extremely slow, useless, simple-minded, pea brain that doesn't do me any good but brings me disappointment after disappointment. I'm a total failure. F-A-I-L-U-R-E. Sorry dr, I can't do it. I won't do it. If MJ's standard were to drop, I should be responsible for it.


Besides, hardwork doesn't equate to success anymore. And nobody would ever bother even if I cried out loud. Nobody ever cares.


I prepared for my CCDDs. Goodbye AABBs.

Econs

I know I shouldn't be blogging at this time but I've got to say what's on my mind. Econs was a big BOO BOO ytday. I couldn't sleep due to too much worrying. My head's so heavy. My eyes are dropping and bloodshot. Dratz. I didn't complete the paper. At least 20 marks gone. Everyone else completed the paper. Some teachers went around asking their pupils so loudly I was hoping they would say they couldn't finish the paper like me. But it turned out to be the opposite. Good for them, most were so confident that they could get an A for it. I felt as if I fell into a hole. i was screaming in my heart but on the outside I was calm, perhaps, NUMBED. I always believed that once there's a good start there'll be a good end. Not in my case. Perhaps all I can do now is to pray every night.